Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They also are not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts and feelings, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.
This weekend, I will be announcing a new focus and goal for this blog, and for my personal advocacy efforts. Part of this new endeavor has to do with prenatal and postnatal education, and Julie’s story below illustrates why this is so important. We cannot keep setting women up for disappointment by only offering potentially detrimental half-truths. I hate that Julie feels guilty, and worries that her aversion to formula was due to selfishness on her part. With messages like ”good mothers breastfeed!” and “all it takes is one bottle of formula to destroy your child’s health!” dangling over our heads like some sort of macabre mistletoe, it’s completely understandable that new moms become obsessed with breastfeeding “success”. I hope we can all start turning that anger and disappointment outward, but in a positive way – using our experiences to change the course of breastfeeding education and promotion for the better. But more on that later. Right now, I hope you’ll give Julie’s FFF Friday submission the attention it deserves.
Happy Friday, fearless ones,
The FFF
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Julie’s Story
When I heard the hospital I was going to deliver at had a breastfeeding class I registered right away. I was going to breastfeed. There wasn’t another option in my mind. I had given away all the free samples of formula I had received because in the class, led by the hospital’s 2 LC’s, we were told having them in our house would be “booby traps” in the middle of the night when we were frustrated with a crying baby. I was told that only 2% of woman can’t physically breastfeed so it was very unlikely that anybody in the room would fall in that 2%. If we really wanted it to work, we could make itwork.
I delivered my daughter after 16 hours of induced labor after my water broke and I had no contractions on my own. Right to the breast she went, skin to skin, everything I was told to do in that class but something didn’t seem right, even to this first time mom.
The nurses tried to help, I called the LC and she said everything looked perfect, and as we were being discharged the pediatrician told us to come back the next morning to have her bilirubin checked because her jaundice didn’t seem to be improving. That next morning came and I felt like the worst mom in the world – her levels were so high that the doctor on call questioned why we were even released to begin with. My 4 day old baby was admitted to the pediatric floor for phototherapy.
I was given a pamphlet telling me what detrimental affects prolonged jaundice could cause but I was still unwilling to give her formula because I kept hearing the voice of the LC. “Introducing a nipple or pacifier before our breastfeeding relationship was established could ruin any chance of successfully nursing.” The doctor hadn’t insisted on it, so I kept nursing her like clockwork and her diapers were weighed to see what kind of output she was producing – or in her case, wasn’t producing. She was sucking on empty breasts. It wasn’t until her doctor told us that she was very seriously ill and that we NEEDED to give her formula that I caved. Then, I broke down in tears because I had been starving my baby. I was so dead-set on breastfeeding – it was natural, the best nutrition, and 98% of woman can do it. (I’m a math teacher so the logical part of me should have realized that SOMEBODY had to be in that 2% but I was stubborn and thought it surely couldn’t be me).
I still didn’t give up hope that we could regain our breastfeeding relationship, so I took herbs, ate oatmeal, saw an outside LC, had her tongue tip clipped (although thinking back, I don’t really think it was necessary but I was desperate for a solution to our problem), and pumped and pumped and pumped. I never saw an increase in supply and at my best, I only pumped 1/2 an ounce from both breasts combined.
I hated feeding my daughter because it meant attempting to nursing her, giving her a partial breastmilk/partial formula bottle, then pumping. By the time I was done I had about enough time to use the restroom and then I was back at the triple feeding again. I spent more time with that pump than I did with my little girl for the first 2 months of her life.
I finally said enough is enough but I doubted that choice several times before I finally committed to 100% formula feed. To say I was sad would be a huge understatement. I was devastated and would soon after be diagnosed with postpartum depression. I would have crying spells anytime I thought about the dream I had to have that close nursing bond or when I heard about somebody else loving the cuddle time they were having while nursing. I was mourning the loss of the perfect scenario I had in my mind (and was flourished by that oh so inspirational breastfeeding class).
As my daughter’s first birthday rapidly approaches (this coming Friday, June 22nd) I am just now finding peace within myself about not breastfeeding her. By reading the other stories on this site and by realizing there are so many other facets of my daughter’s childhood to rejoice in, I can FINALLY see how important being happy and enjoying my daughter grow up really is. I don’t mourn the loss of breastfeeding anymore, but I do look back and think about how selfish I was being by wanting it to work so bad. I was choosing to not feed my baby formula at the risk of “ruining” our breastfeeding relationship. I wish I had known that we would still have a seriously strong bond, that we would have plenty of cuddle time and that everybody would be happier if I just let it go earlier and accepted it wasn’t meant to be.
That class was a disservice to my daughter. I know the LC’s must have meant well by glorifying breastfeeding and dismissing formula feeding all together, but it put my daughter’s health in danger. Every parent wants to do the very best they can for their children and according to that class, breastfeeding was the only way to accomplish that in terms of feeding. I am so grateful this site exists so other moms can see that there are other right choices for their babies.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 429 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
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I can completely relate to this! We held off on formula, despite my son’s weight loss, because we were convinced that formula was bad for him (based on the information we were given). They told us that he wouldn’t go back to the breast if we gave him a bottle and they kept saying that my milk would come in any day. They said it was probably just delayed because of the C-Section. All the information said that it was really rare to not have enough milk. Well, my milk never did come in properly despite pumping, herbs, and medication. Even after months of this I still only managed to produce about half an ounce at a time from both breasts combined. Eventually I decided that enough was enough. I had created so much extra stress for myself and I wasn’t really enjoying my son because of it. Even though he was almost exclusively formula feed, he was still miles ahead of the other babies and perfectly healthy. So how can formula be as bad as they make it sound? Anyway, he has a perfectly good source of nutrition and a happy mom now. That’s all that really matters. And we bond just as well over a bottle as we would over a breast. I know now that all of my children will have to be formula fed and it doesn’t bother me at all.
Great job Julie, you seem like a wonderful mother… thank you for sharing your story, which is far too common. I keep hearing this myth that only ’2% of woman can’t physically breastfeed’, but I’ve never seen a study that discusses the subject… is the often quoted 2% completely made up? I suspect it’s much, much higher, so I believe a great start to truth in breastfeeding classes would be to bring pressure to have somebody do that study!
Thank you so much for posting my story. Just writing it out felt like therapy to me. I literally cried when I read it because I feel like I’ve come so far in squashing those thoughts of doubt and selfishness. Thank you again!
Thank you for this wonderful website supporting formula feeding moms. I myself struggled to breastfeed with both my two children, and had to turn to formula in the end. My first child I struggled through the guilt, shame and worthless feeling of not being able to successfully breastfeed my baby. I eventually got postpartum as well (along with many other health issues), and struggled for almost a year before becoming myself again. I just had our 2nd child (1 month old today), and again attempted to breastfeed with little success. This time I threw in the towel within 2 weeks, and decided to leave the guilt and shame behind. This is the best thing I could have done for my babies. Because being a happy and thriving mother to my two children is way more important than unsucessful breastfeeding out of shame and guilt. Thank you.
I could have written this! I had just about the same experience with both of my sons. The only difference is that with my second son, I accepted my inability to breast feed much sooner and I am at peace with it. I was ashamed for so long with my first son; I would avoid feeding him in front of anyone, whether out in public or even with visitors in my own home. I now recognize how insane that is, and I feed my 5 month old wherever I feel like it! Hold your head up high – you have nothing to feel ashamed of or guilty about.
I will nerver understand what a “nursing bond” exactly means. This has no scientific background. In every way, nursing or not, mothers can tighly cuddle, caress, kiss, their babies and do “skin-to skin” contact. No need to breastfeed a baby to be able to do that. On the contrary, Bfeeding, when it goes wrong (and it goes wrong quite often), induce pain, tiredness, starvation on the baby’s side. SO how on earth would Bfeeding create a better bonding with a baby? It is such an absurd statement, rarely put into question. I think that the WHO misled a lot of people, as breastfeeding is only preferable in underdeveloped countries.I am more and more convinced that La Leche League acts as an” ideologic” sort of lobby. (sorry about my english, my mother tongue is french)