I’ll admit it: I’ve been neglecting the blog lately. Blame it on my being out of town, or maybe on the fact that I have 2 weeks in which to make the final edits before my book goes to print, but in all honesty, it’s simply because I haven’t been all that inspired to write about anything.
Until 5 minutes ago, when I read one of the most infuriating opinion pieces that I’ve ever seen in print.
The column, written by an Illinois lactation consultant, exemplifies everything that is dead wrong about the business of breastfeeding. My heart hurts for the many truly amazing, considerate LCs I’ve met over the years who are going to be judged on the hurtful words of someone who shares their profession, but shares none of their compassion.
“What is it that makes one mother work so hard to breastfeed? What is it that makes another one give up at the first hint of challenge?”This lactation consultant ponders aloud. If this weren’t inflammatory enough, she elaborates:
There are women I will never forget. The one who pumped her milk for a year, because her little one could not get any milk from the breast. The one who vomited into a bowl while I held her baby on her breast, telling me, “Don’t take her off!”, when I tried to remove the baby from the breast. And there was a mom who nearly died after giving birth. When she was taken off the ventilator days later, her first words were, “Bring me a breast pump. I need to feed my baby.”
…I carry with me the mother who quits breastfeeding after the first breastfeeding attempt. I am sad for the baby who is not given a chance…But those babies who are given a chance… Wow. What lucky little people they are….What is the difference? What makes breastfeeding so important to some people, and not to others? What is that we are “made of” that determines who gets breastmilk and who doesn’t?….I want to figure that out.”
Apparently, I have something in common with this person: I also want to figure something out. I want to figure out when it became a good thing that a woman’s first impulse after a near death experience is not to hold her child or tell her husband she loves him, but rather to secure a breast pump. I want to figure out when it became okay for a professional to publicly berate women for not being “made of” the right stuff simply because they don’t go to incredible (some may even say obsessive) lengths to breastfeed. And most of all, I want to figure out how someone so clearly judgmental and shockingly dogmatic ended up in a care profession.
On the other hand, maybe defining LCs solely as care providers isn’t 100% accurate or fair. According to the
International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiners, their board-certified lactation consultants should “function and contribute as members of the maternal-child health team. They provide care in a variety of settings, while making appropriate referrals to other health professionals and community support resources. Working together with mothers, families, policymakers and society, IBCLCs provide expert breastfeeding and lactation care, promote changes that support breastfeeding and help reduce the risks of not breastfeeding.” Going by this definition, LC’s are indeed care providers, but at the same time, one of their main purposes is to “help reduce the risks of not breastfeeding.” If one were to take that responsibility to heart, then a mother who stops at anything short of martyrdom to breastfeed is going to be seen as an occupational hazard. Luckily, the
good lactation consultants are so much more than this explanatory paragraph describes. They can be invaluable sources of advice, support, and yes,
caring. I wonder if an LC who places greater emphasis on finding a feeding method that works for individual situations would be considered less of a success than someone like the author of the aforementioned, ridiculously insulting piece? Would and LC’s motives be questioned if she told a woman it would be okay to formula feed? Would this be considered a subtle form of malpractice?
We’ve discussed the concept of “feeding consultants” (a hypothetical professional who could provide support to parents regardless of feeding method, helping them to exclusively breastfeed, combo feed, pump, or formula feed, depending on the needs of the family) in some of our discussion threads here on FFF, and the more I think about it, the more I wish something like this could exist… and the more I realize it probably never can. A lactation professional who would just as easily encourage a woman to formula feed is never going to be taken seriously as a breastfeeding counselor. She’d immediately be dismissed as “sabotaging” breastfeeding, even if she were merely listening to her client/patient and assessing her needs; even if she were looking at the nursing dyad as a true dyad, and not as two fleshy feeding receptacles and a stock image of the ideal newborn.
If there are any lactation consultants reading this blog, I would love to hear from you. What do you think of the Illinois LC’s column? Do you think it’s possible to be a formula-friendly lactation consultant? And if not, do you still believe that lactation consultants should be giving formula feeding advice, as
this thoughtful post over on PhD in Parenting suggests?
I hope we can get some sort of positive dialogue going about this, in order to mitigate the pall of sheer disgust that the author of this article has flung upon all non-breastfeeding mothers. I would like to remind said author that someone who didn’t breastfeed the first time may be doubly dedicated to making it work the second time around; if you truly want to raise breastfeeding rates and help women succeed in their goals, you may want to reassess your world view. Because when it comes to being a good and effective lactation consultant, as well as a compassionate human being, realizing that you may not fully understand someone else’s lived reality is, in your own words, what makes the difference.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
Email
I saw a lactation consultant this time (#2) to evaluate a possible tongue tie. I have to admit I was really freaked after reading so many stories here and elsewhere. Instead, it was a great experience, and she surprised me by validating my experience with Kellen and by sharing stories of other women who had lost their supply after very traumatic and stressful experiences. That is the kind of compassion that I think is needed. Not being afraid of using formula has made such a difference in my parenting experience this time around, and I believe it's made breastfeeding possible. That's not a position I imagine you will hear in the office of many LCs.
I'll be honest, I quite enjoyed the original piece and found yours to be the negative one (a view that was unanimously shared in the thread where I came across this response). There's nothing judgmental about wondering what causes some women to give up right away – there's no hint that she thinks it's something negative about the women, in fact, the anecdotes she provides gives rise to the idea that perhaps it's a lack of support. She's not angry and certainly doesn't cast a pall of disgust, as you clearly seem to believe. She's sad about the babies who aren't getting breastmilk. As we all should be given what we know to be the positive health and bonding effects of breastfeeding. Only when we truly accept this will we work to find more readily accessible alternatives to formula for mothers like greater milk banks or mother-to-mother milk sharing.
Being supportive doesn't mean you have to hide the facts or question why people make choices that aren't in the best interests of their babies. In fact, by refusing to ask that question, we can never learn the reasons and work to rectify them. And that's the real tragedy.
What is it that makes an LC or random judgey person on the internet decide that they get to define “giving up at the first hint of challenge”? What gets them to think they have the right to stand over someone's head and be “sad” for their babies because they made a different choice than LC or fellow BFing obsessive might make?
And if LC is really concerned about finding out what makes people give up, how about LISTENING TO WHAT THEY SAY and taking their PERSONAL EXPERIENCES SERIOUSLY instead of projecting your interpretations on them? I suspect that like the commenter above, most such LCs see mothers as tools in an ongoing ideological battle more than people.
I can tell her why some us us either give up right away or don't bother at all- because we don't wanna BF! Jeez, it often really IS that simple. BF just doesn't make enough of a difference that it is worth bothering for a majority of woman.
Lactivists like her seem to ignore the reality of BF, which is unpleasant for many. I know I am tired of being constantly aware of my breasts, sick of being drippy and a bit sore, tired of waking up all night engorged. Once my preemie is out of the NICU and a little older, I cannot wait to switch to FF. (Human milk does make a huge difference for a preemie, but not so much for a full term healthy babe). And my BF experience has been a breeze, with lots of supply, a baby who latched first try, and no other major issues.
After pumping for 2 NICU babies, I personally cannot imagine my first words being “get me a breast pump”, but to each her own….
And yea, her post IS Negative. She is NOT merely wondering, this is as judgmental as it gets. Its just written in that typical passive aggressive way, kind of like someone saying “bless their heart” before being mean. Why would anyone be “sad” because of how another mom feeds her baby, so long as its healthy and thriving? Its people like her that turned me OFF BF, thankfully there are some wonderful LCs out there that can help without judging.
Her example of a woman having a near-death experience and wanting to pump or breastfeeding while she threw up as her “go to” models is a frightening one, in my opinion. What concerns me about this attitude is its premise that a “good” mother is one who sacrifices almost (or perhaps delete the almost) EVERYTHING for her child, including her own health and sanity. This rhetoric makes mothers of all types, regardless of their parenting choices, constantly feel guilty– like they are never doing or giving enough.
Women are people. We have needs, rights, and desires too. Being a mother changes many of our needs and desires, and much of our satisfaction is newly fulfilled by our wonderful baby.
However, sacrificing everything does not necessarily make you a “good mother.” Like they say on airplanes, you should put your own mask on first before helping your child.
That being said, my LC is one of the reasons, in retrospect, that I think I ended up formula feeding exclusively. With her, I felt like *she* gave up on me very quickly, but when she was trying to help, she just made things worse. Shoving my breast harshly into his mouth and telling me to hold his head while he squirms and then he'll latch on (which was not the case, believe me) was one of the worst things she could do. Setting me up with a hospital pump on the first day in order to stimulate production was another. Having the pump use shields that were way too small for my nipple without telling me that other shields were available was another. Sending me home with bottles and formula on day 3 because she seemed to think I “couldn't handle” trying to EBF was another. I don't feel she really listened to me and what I needed. Am I a bad mother because I “gave up”? I sure hope not.
The IBCLC I worked with was absolutely wonderful. She was the embodiment of professionalism and compassion combined. When I sobbed, “What if I just don't want to breastfeed?” she held my hand and calmly answered, “Whatever you decide, I will support you and help you do it safely.” She has been an IBCLC for over 40 years… I only hope that there are many others out there learning from her example.
Also – as far as being a lactation consultant who is supportive of formula feeding – the IBCLC I worked with was the first person (outside of my husband and mother) who didn't make me feel like a complete failure for using formula. The first time I talked to her on the phone, I sobbed, “I hope you won't be disappointed in me, but I gave him formula last night.” She replied, “Of COURSE I'm not disappointed! I hate that you would think that! I'm glad you did it, because the most important thing is, the baby has to eat!”
No amount of support is going to help some moms breastfeed and some moms just don't want to for various personal reasons. What gives her (or you) the right to judge?
And milk banks and milk sharing is the answer? Really? What about a cheap, easily manufactured alternative that is readily available and does not require other mothers to act like dairy cattle? Oh wait there is something like that called formula. I would rather have something produced in a controlled environment over relying on strangers and hoping that they are eating well and not taking drugs that my baby could ingest. Milk banks will never take off as an idea because they are far too time intensive and expensive. Formula is not poison and a reasonable substitute for human milk.
I made the choice that was in the best interest of my baby. Instead of making my baby starve because I was not making enough milk I chose an alternative that works. That is in no way tragic or sad. A baby starving to death is.
This is a good point, I've always wondered about women who take drugs illegal and legal while breastfeeding yet their milk is healthier for their baby? I know someone like this so I was wondering???
Who is judging? I already said that someone can lament something as sad without judging the mother behind it. The fact remains that there are real health repercussions to the overuse of formula. Note overuse. And that still doesn't change the fact that if we try to ignore the reasons why someone goes to formula, we can't find the causes and fix them for those who want to breastfeed. How is that fair to those mothers?
As to formula versus wider expansion of breast milk banks or milk-sharing, I'm not saying formula should be eradicated, but that women should have more choices. You would choose formula, but I know far more women who would choose breast milk from a donor if they had the option. And that option isn't there, and that is a tragedy.
Did we read the same piece?
I agree that there should be nothing judgmental about wondering if there were systemic failures that led to women opting not to breastfeed. But this is NOT what this piece did. Rather, the author asked what certain people were “made of” that others weren't. This places all the blame on the individual, not on societal barriers. And the anecdotes she gives are not to provide evidence of a lack of support, but rather to chastise the people involved. For example, an open-minded person who truly wanted to fight societal barriers might look at the situation of a grandmother feeling protective of her daughter's health and sanity as an opportunity to bridge generational gaps. A good LC, in this situation, might explain that babies need to be fed on demand, and offer suggestions on how that grandmother might help her daughter get through those first weeks of cluster feeding. Instead, this author speaks of that grandmother in a clearly derisive tone.
Nowhere did I advocate “hiding facts”. That is sort of antithetical to the purpose of this blog. I'm all about facts. But the article in question did not deal with facts at all, but emotions. I'm really concerned that you, or anyone else, could possibly read this piece as being pro-anything. It is not about breastfeeding, or helping women. It's about perpetuating the meme of “good” and “bad” in the realm of parenting, instead of helping all parents become the best, healthiest, happiest parents they can be, which will in turn create happy, healthy babies. Shouldn't that be the goal of anyone involved in the equation?
…I carry with me the mother who quits breastfeeding after the first breastfeeding attempt. I am sad for the baby who is not given a chance…”
I know of absolutely NO women who have up after the first attempt. This is ridiculous. Some women have little to no trouble, some women have a ton of issues with breastfeeding. Why can people not wrap their tiny brains around this concept.
My daughter go BM for 3 months before I dried up, but this was mostly pumping. Why? Because of the multiple cases of mastitis, numerous clogged ducts on each breast at the SAME time. Cracked, bleeding nipples. And, yes, I saw an LC.
Why all this began happening again with #2 and the pumping didn't work, I turned to formula.
My mother and my sister had NONE of the problems I had and had a very easy time breastfeeding.
Back to this LC's question: “What makes breastfeeding so important to some people, and not to others? What is that we are “made of” that determines who gets breastmilk and who doesn’t?.”
Assuming a baby is getting formula because breastfeeding wasn't important to the mom is an ridiculous assumption and I am offended by that.
Also, my 2 kids, 4 and 1 1/2 years, have had ONE ear infection between them and they have had mostly formula.
Should I feel bad for my 2 friends who breastfed for 11 and 18 months whose children both ended up with tubes in their ears because of ear infections. Those poor moms, if only they had used formula and not breast milk then their babies wouldn't have ended up with tubes (note sarcasm).
This is how ridiculous it is to say babies are missing out when they don't get breast milk. I would not want this woman as an LC.
Sorry for typos. My youngest was crawling all over me as I typed.
I couldn't agree more, Stacey. When I have #3 I will try to breastfeed again because I believe it is worth trying and even if the baby only gets it for a week, then that is something.
It is this “all or nothing” attitude that gets me. Sure doing it for 12 weeks is fine, but why didn't you go the whole first year? That is exactly how I felt with my daughter. Instead of celebrating any amount of breastfeeding, it has to be exclusive with no formula. I know a mom who was hospitalized with pneumonia right after her baby's birth. She is now breastfeeding and formula feeding because her supply suffered while she was in the hospital.
The fact that this LC acts as if women just “give up” after the first try is completely insulting and everything that is wrong with this “breast is best” mentality. I know a mom who quotes “breast is best” and she works constantly and is away from her kids all the time. So breastmilk will make up for not spending time with your kids?
I should add that the mom who works all the time does not do it for the money. She could easily stay home with her kids if she wanted (and has admitted as much) but she chooses not to do so. I completely support working moms and know that staying home is not an option for many moms. My husband and I had to make huge sacrifices to do it. But it is the spouting “breast is best” while be gone all the time that irritates me.
She is judging. She is holding up this great ideal about how women should be when it comes to breastfeeding and then saying that those women who do not hold up to that ideal are giving up and the baby is not getting a chance.
I also don't understand what hidden facts you are alluding to. If anything it is the lactivists that are hiding facts. They are doing nothing to warn women about possible issues (like flat nipples) and the affects they could have on nursing. Just read FFF Friday entries and get an eyeful of hidden facts that have caused tons of heartache and problems.
Let's stop judging people on how their children are fed and start doing what we can to make sure they are doing so safely. That way we can all share stores about how one woman persevered through issues and kept breastfeeding and another mom can share how she decided she didn't like nursing and neither one will get flamed by trolls.
We will clearly have to agree to disagree because I think you're reading something into that article that simply isn't there. She wrote about the grandmother and I didn't pick up on a derisive tone – again, nor did anyone else who was on the thread I got this from. Could it not be that your putting your own emotions onto this other post?
I said originally there's no need to “hide the fact” referring to the well-known fact that breastmilk is superior to formula. And I agree that there can be problems and heartache with breastfeeding for many women, but it doesn't mean you stop asking questions about why that's the case and what can be done to fix it. I read no judgment in the original piece, but rather an honest to goodness question about what's happening.
Absolutely. I am DEFINITELY putting my own emotions onto this other post. And I am putting the emotions of the hundreds of FFF Friday contributors who appear on these pages on this post.
If you haven't lived through the pain of breastfeeding “failure”, then I suppose you wouldn't find the author's tone derogatory. However, I'd hope that most people active in the professional breastfeeding advisory community would have enough knowledge and experience to understand why someone would find this type of piece offensive. That's why I opened it up and solicited opinions from LC's. I would expect that many of them would find this woman's tone equally disturbing.
I can't comment on the “thread” you are speaking about as I'm not privy to it. If those who feel so strongly about this article would come here and discuss their thoughts as you have, I'd be happy to engage with them.
I completely agree FFF. I totally found her tone derogatory.
“I am sad for the baby who is not given a chance…But those babies who are given a chance… Wow. What lucky little people they are….”
So formula-fed babies are “not given a chance”? So breastfed babies are “luckily little people”?
This is complete crap and her tone is SO condescending. As a mom who has breasted and formula fed her babies, I find this very offensive.
JC–I wholly agree with your post, but I'll also admit that after giving Bfing a go, and having it not work out (similar issues to yours actually), I decided BFing was not that important. I have twins. Spending time with my children outweighed spending time hooked up to a pump. I never thought formula was bad, and had always intended to use it at least a little. (I was hoping to combo feed, as I work during the day).
As for what mothers are made of that determines who gets breastmilk and who doesn't? It's a stupid question. What does that even mean? Is she talking about character? If so, she is assuming that all formula feeding mothers are exactly the same, have the same traits, and aren't breastfeeding for the same reasons. What is this LC made of that she had peanut butter and jelly for lunch instead of turkey on wheat?
I don't care how she feels about my children, but if she is sad for all the formula fed kids, that's a lot of sadness. She should be downright depressed by now. How blind are these people to not see that the majority, who formula feed (which they lament, what is it in America now? 60/40?), have children who grow up healthy and happy?
Spending time with both of my children was also very important to me. I will never forget when my second was one week old and I was horribly engorged trying to pump BM and getting mostly blood, my 2 year old ran up to me and asked me to play. I had to tell her no and it broke my heart. Soon after that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I felt guilty for months after my decision even though breastfeeding really was not working. Now I am mad I ever felt guilty. I have a friend with a newborn and she is breastfeeding all the time. When her other child wants to play she has to say no constantly. Her firstborn doesn't seem to be taking the new addition to the family very well and I can see why. All of a sudden he is getting much less attention from his mom. (Which of course is going to happen no matter what, but it seems the breastfeeding just multiples that).
As far as your notion of we're not promoting human milk sharing because we simply lack the willpower–I can't help but shake my head at such a willfully ignorant statement. Donor milk is extremely risky, and it's folly to pretend it's not simply because it's “natural.” These are just some of the risks: food allergies (which are skyrocketing, yes even among breastfed babies, just look at kellymom's resources and you'll see how much of an issues this is among breastfed kids–and if you've never tried to figure out what a child is allergic to, you have no concept of how much harder it is to figure this out if you're getting your milk from a donor who isn't keeping a strict food diary), babies being allergies to drugs, moms taking prescription, OTC, and herbal remedies that aren't good for some babies (e.g. fenugreek is a legume–like the peanut, which is the most virulent food allergy in the US), moms who have communicable diseases and may or may not know it, moms who don't store the milk properly, and of course there's the fact that we have NO CLUE whether donor milk is better for babies than formula, especially given that the content of the milk changes throughout the day, as well as throughout the baby's duration of breastfeeding. For someone coming out of such an “evidence-based” camp, you're sure willing to just blindly accept something as better when you have no real evidence that it is so.
You want to know how this article is negative? Unless you've been through the sheer hell I was, or are willing to open your mind up to the experiences of others outside your universe (like the myriad cases documented via FFF's blog–did you bother to read any of them?), you won't see it. That's not our problem, it's not FFF's problem–it's yours.
This article could have been written by my baby's first pediatrician. Or by one of my lactation consultants. In fact, I'm in Illinois, and had to triple-check that it WASN'T in fact written by that LC.
These were the people who told me I wasn't “tough enough” when breastfeeding and pumping made the top half of my body hurt so badly it felt like someone was constantly squirting lighter fluid onto my body and throwing matches at me. These were the people who told me that a nerve condition is an “excuse,” that when I told them I couldn't even pick up my baby because my arms weren't working from the pain that I need to think of what's best for my child and keep breastfeeding. How was not being able to hold my child best for her? These were the people who told me that pumping is selfish, impedes bonding, and implied that those who go back to work don't have their priorities in life in order. These are the people who were so damned busy with THEIR view of what was best for my baby that they had no clue what actually WAS the best for my baby. This article is negative because of the unethical medical practice this LC describes as her priority. If this is what breastfeeding promotion looks like, if this is acceptable to you–frankly, I have to wonder if you truly care about what's best for babies and moms, or if you're like any militant lactivist out there–really just about enforcing choices that are acceptable in your limited world view onto others, the consequences be damned.
If you want to know why some people don't breastfeed, perhaps you ought to explore how this author's shameless glorification of a “breastfeed at all costs” attitude causes real harm to real people, and why you find that so positive and FFF's reaction to it so negative. This article shows nothing less than medical malpractice, and you're not only okay with that, you're wondering why everyone else isn't. A tough mom isn't someone who subjects herself and her child to medicine practiced solely at the macro level–a tough mom demands better for herself and her child. Breastfeeding has become an excuse for “professionals” like this LC author to practice lazy, bad medicine that promotes a one-size-fits-all solution for everyone, when in fact what's best for women and children is individualized medical care that prioritizes a holistic approach toward infant feeding–an approach that takes everything into consideration and results in a baby being properly fed by a capable, emotionally available parent, whether being fed amounts to breastfeeding, formula feeding, or some combination of techniques. I would suggest one of the solutions you're looking for is for breastfeeding activists to stop making breastfeeding about a pain contest and rather, an exercise in actually listening to real women and real children without a preconceived notion of what is best for them.
Or, hey, you could just read any post around here by Valerie, a LC who exemplifies what the profession should look like. Someone with compassion and a healthy sense of realism, who walks the line daily of promoting breastfeeding without sacrificing the physical and mental health of her patients and without implying that those who don't fit her world view are inherently inferior. You want to know some solutions to how to get more people to breastfeed? How about more LCs like Valerie, and none like Beth Seidel.
No time to write a long comment, and others have already said most of what I would say. But I want to comment on one specific thing. Look, I think milk sharing is great. I received donor milk from 16 different women. In the process I made some good friends. I am so grateful for this gift that others were willing to give my son and me during his early months. I also know that a great deal of privilege allowed me to access this milk. I have access to the internet, knowledge of how to use Facebook to connect with the milk sharing groups on there, a cell phone to call/text donors, a car to drive around and pick up milk, enough free time to do so (well, not anymore, but in the early months of my son's life I wasn't working so I had more free time), and a large enough freezer to store the milk in my house. Seems to me that much of the time when people say “Donor milk!!!” they don't consider all that goes into the process.
Actually, I fibbed, one last thing… I have to say, frankly, I am sick of hearing about the “bonding effects” of breastfeeding. I had severe PPD and PPA. Breastfeeding exacerbated it. I would have a panic attack each time I brought my son to my breast. It wasn't until I stopped trying to nurse that I finally felt able to begin bonding with him. I know that for many women breastfeeding is a wonderful bonding experience. But it is not the only way to bond with your child, nor is it a bonding experience for all mothers, and to paint with a broad brush is harmful and disrespectful.
Exactly. I find that part of the article particularly offensive. Sometimes BFing is not an option. Or it means sacrificing the mom's health/sanity/ ability to function, bonding, the mom's ability to work outside the home (essential for some families), attention to other children, a happy and peaceful home, etc. While breastfeeding works out well for many families, sometimes the costs outweigh the benefits. I see no reason to “sad” for babies whose parents fed — be it BFing, FFing, pumping, combo feeding or donor milk– and took care of them and dealt with their families' situations, IMHO. Those babies, including the FFed ones, were abso-freaking-lutely “given a chance”. And they are “lucky little people” in my book.
A-freaking-men Teri. I couldn't have said it better, so I'll just echo you. I am so sick of informal milk sharing being touted as the safer alternative to formula. For people obsessed with the risks of formula, they refuse to analyze the very real risks of feeding your baby bodily fluids from strangers.
I can only imagine how tough it must be for the older child/ren to adjust when a new baby comes and mom suddenly withdraws attention. I'm sure that happens with and without breastfeeding, and the vast majority of people who have younger siblings get over it quickly, but to be dealing with that along with an infant, and ESPECIALLY if breastfeeding isn't going well…I can see that leading a woman towards PPD. That was one lucky thing about having twins…they never knew what it was like to have their parents all to themselves (as individuals). Anyway, I'm glad you don't feel guilty anymore.
Thanks! It is so much easier to live without all that guilt weighing me down.
I think one of the best things about bottle feeding that many people don't really acknowledge is that the mother AND father can feed the baby. It gives mom a break at night too. It lets each parent spend time with the new baby and the older sibling. Now that my kids are a little older and the adore their father, I am seeing just how important it is for both parents to care for their children. I have a friend who slept in a bed with her baby for 2 years while her husband slept in the guest bedroom because she was exclusively breastfeeding. Only it didn't end with just that issue; he seemed to be left out of a lot of the parenting. It made me sad to see it.
I am sad for the mom who isn't given a chance by her LC to enjoy her baby and her mental and/or physical health at the same time.
I am sad for the babies whose mothers sacrifice bonding, stability, health, and sanity at the altar of “breastfeed or else.”
I am sad for the women who insist they are following the evidence when they obviously have no clue what the research really says and really doesn't say.
I am sad for the health care professionals who insist on one-size-fits-all medical “care,” but I am a million times more sad for their patients, who are betrayed by the very people who aren't supposed to put their egos above what is best for other people.
I am sad for the people who advocate for one-size-fits-all medicine, believing that is all women and children deserve, but I am ten million times more sad for all the people they bully, belittle, harass, threaten, demean, dehumanize, and wound twice over.
People who don't have to deal with LCs like Beth Seidel are the lucky ones. And all of us somehow manage to muddle through with our healthy, smart, awesome children, regardless of how her warped little world turns.
You asked for IBCLCs to comment so I'm happy to add to this important dialogue. I agree that the Illinois blog post you mentioned seemed to praise martyrdom more than a compassionate approach to feeding options.
In your post you asked “I wonder if an LC who places greater emphasis on finding a feeding method that works for individual situations would be considered less of a success than someone like the author of the aforementioned, ridiculously insulting piece? Would and LC's motives be questioned if she told a woman it would be okay to formula feed?”
I would answer that no, an LC that worked to find a feeding method that works for an individual situation and that may involve formula (whether by necessity or choice) would NOT be consider less of a success. Quite the opposite in fact! As a lactation consultant (I am in private practice by the way) my job is to consult a mother about her breastfeeding options and often times that does include discussing supplemental or replacement feeds whether those be by necessity or personal choice. My job is not to belittle, not to judge, not to have a personal agenda, etc. My job is what I would call a feeding consultant, a term you mentioned in your blog. As a feeding consultant, my goal is to present to risks and benefits of any feeding care plan so that the mother can make a truly informed choice.
I have been honored to work with mothers and babies that have been through hell and back when it comes to feeding. I've thrown any judgmental ideas I may have had out the door years ago. I agree with you 100%, compassionate care goes a long way. All mothers want the best for their babies. I am privileged every time I get to help a mother wade through the feeding challenges she is coping with. My goal is always to present information in a compassionate way so parents can feel fully informed as they make their feeding choices.
I amend my earlier statements. We need more LCs like Melissa and Valerie. The author of the article wants to know what will help more people breastfeed, and not throw in the towel too soon? More attitudes like Melissa's.
Really…she can on keep being sad for all I care. That's her prerogative. I'm enjoying this mommy gig too much to warrant someone else's pity party being thrown in my name.
Yes! I waded through many challenges to breastfeed/pump for 3 months and I was proud of that fact. And when my milk dried up and I went all formula, nothing about my relationship with daughter changed. I used to worry that I didn't “bond” with my baby as well as my breastfeeding friends. I worried she would be sick all the time. I worried she wouldn't be as smart. And I didn't come up with all these ridiculous ideas on my own. I wish in promoting breastfeeding we didn't act as if FF were so inferior. That's what bothered me about the woman's language: babies who are “not given a chance.” And what if they aren't? Are they fed, loved, cared for, held, cuddled? These are some lucky babies in my book.
Hell, yes. My husband and I worked out a shift system so we could both try to get 5hr sleep in a row when the boys were infants. Plus, he's a teacher, and stays home with them in the summer. I think shutting out Dad and other family members/friends is just shooting yourself in the foot.
Teri, that's interesting what you say wrt “working mothers”. A LC I know (and has been discussed negatively on the fff blog) went back to work 3 weeks after the birth of her first child. She went on to marry a wealthy man, gave up “paid” work and now belittles those who continue to do so. A complete re-write of history!
I haven't experienced breastfeeding “failure” myself but I find the tone of the article hugely derogatory. Just because I managed to breastfeed doesn't mean in any way that I am made of anything different than a woman who gave formula from day one. If anything, it means I had a good support and perhaps different priorities. The example of heroic breastfeeding she gives are bordering on grotesque, and are unhealthy IMO (for heaven's sake, there is so much more to maternity than what you feed your baby). And formula fed babies “not given a chance?' Are you kidding me???
I had no bonding with breastfeeding either. I bonded when I started formula feeding. When I was breastfeeding I got really depressed with every let down and had to remind myself that I still loved my baby who wasn't even a week old. I couldn't look at him after I was done either for a good couple minutes. Sure some people bond great with breastfeeding, but not all. And yes, I know it was DMER. It wasn't worth the depression and inability to bond to keep on bfing for me.
Wow. I am sad for the world that people like this woman exist. I was looking over some of her other blogs and there is one discussing co-sleeping which lists formula feeding as a major risk factor for co-sleeping deaths in babies. Seriously?!? I wanted to breastfeed you hateful psycho. But I gave up after multiple challenges, so I guess I'm not good enough and someone should just come get my poor deprived (beautiful, thriving) child and fill her full of mystery donor milk from some woman who wasn't a failure at life… This terrible woman needs to just shut the h*** up already!
Melissa, you have no idea how happy it makes me that you are in the world, in the profession that you are in. I wrote a public thank you a few years ago to the lactation consultants who helped me when I was struggling with breastfeeding… there were 2 who stood out, who I believe took a similar approach to what you are explaining here. I will remember their kindness and compassion forever.
I think what we all need to remember is that just as there are unbelievable doctors and terrible doctors, and incredible teachers and atrocious teachers, there are wonderful LCs and awful LCs. You sound like one of the wonderful ones, and from a former breastfeeding “failure”, I want you to know that I appreciate it. If it weren't for the great LCs I worked with, I would have either stopped breastfeeding on Day 3, or had a very jaundiced, very hungry baby who probably would've ended up in the hospital. Thanks to these women, my baby was a chunker by 6 weeks of age, all due to my pumped milk.
Thanks for the kind mentions, FFF and Teri.
The kind of things I “wonder” about are “why does this mom who wants so desperately to breastfeed have a milk supply problem?”, “how can I help support this other mom through a second time of little to no milk?”, “why do some babies have so much trouble in latching for so many hours?”, “how can I help this mom with a workable plan about pumping for bottles for however long she decides to?”, “why does the pediatrician refuse to see that tongue tie IS very often an issue for breastfeeding?”, “how can I help this mom who has decided to FF feel supported and not judged through her decision?”
I do wonder why things are very easy for some and full of multiple problems for others – real problems, real difficulties! And even when things are going “well”, it can feel like it's not to a new, exhausted, often post-op, hormonal mom. Part of my job is to be sensitive to how I can best help THIS mother – to educate, help, and SUPPORT.
I do occasionally remind moms who seem on the fence about what direction they might go – “I don't get paid on commission so how I can I help YOU best?”
Time for another day in the land of moms and babies…
Love! Your patients are “lucky people” too
This article just doesn't make any sense to me.
My twins live in a warm, clean, comfortable home with two parents who love them. They eat wholesome, healthy food. They have access to clean water, access to excellent medical care, an excellent education system. They have a mom who stayed home with them for 2.5 years. They have a loving extended family nearby who think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Oh yes, and they go to Hawaii for vacation every year where they play in the waves, learn to Hula dance and eat Shave Ice. Someone feels sorry for my kids because they were formula fed? Someone actually thinks that they weren't given a chance? Seriously?
There are way too many kids in the world who really aren't given a chance. This woman needs to get out of her comfortable, insulated life and see the real world before she decides to feel sorry for a first world kid born to parents with enough resources to hire a lactation consultant in the first place. Sheesh!
I think that is one reason I am not a fan of the AP group, which would included EBF and EXBF. I feel it relegates fathers to the background..
I'm worried about this growing trend that makes people think it's this easy to tell the good parents from the bad, especially among health professionals.
I wish I had you around when I was trying to breastfeed! Keep doing what you do
It is not always superior. It's just a way for all you high school girls to make yourselves feel superior. My mother and her four sisters were not breastfed, and cared for by a nurse ( as was common among the rich in those days). All are well into their 50s and 60s, not a health issue to speak of as yet. All intelligent . All mothers. My husband, one adopted child of three , was fed formula as well. He is quite intelligent , and successful , earning in the top 3% of all wage earners in the U.S. His sister and brother also fared well. I was breastfed. My sister was not . Guess who struggles with her weight ? My son was not breastfed . My nephew was . Again, guess which is the skinnier of the two? The one with the most colds and ear infections ?? The world is a big place .
Pardon my ignorance, but what is EXBF?
EXBF is extended breastfeeding, which is breastfeeding past the ages of 1 or 2, sometimes up to 4 or 5 years old. Basically, the child decides when he/she wants to wean.
Oh, I see. Thanks for the info.
I haven't experienced such “failure” either, but I still found her piece offensive. THE most important piece of mothering is breastfeeding? Mothers who care more about breastfeeding than their own health are lauded? This seems so very unhealthy to me.
well said!
Donor milk is not “extremely risky” and there's tons of evidence that it's better than formula. Stop fear mongering! Is there not enough misinformation out there already?
Big difference between informal milk sharing and a milk bank where the milk is pasteurized very much like the cow's milk that formula is made from. If only you knew in what condition these cows live in and the diseases that they have!
Thank you for your very informative post which helps us to really understand what it's like to have this kind of food allergy.
Thank you Andrea. I'm an LC and I just can't understand it when my colleagues don't seem to understand this. Just today I worked with a woman who like you had terrible anxiety when it came to breastfeeding. It was very obvious to me that even with an excellent latch, this mom found breastfeeding both physically and emotionally painful. She decided to pump and bottle feed her breastmilk. Before I left at the end of my shift, I went to say goodbye to her and found her in bed cuddling her baby skin to skin. She appeared so peaceful and relaxed and happy with her sleeping baby and I thought wow hold that picture, hold that thought. This woman is really bonding with her baby, enjoying her baby, loving her baby. She was at peace with her decision (hope I helped with that a little) and I truly believe that for her it was the best one. I wish I had the picture to post because they looked so lovely!
PS. It was her third baby and breastfeeding hadn't worked well with her first two children.
Yes and this type of attitude is really what gives us LC's a bad name..not to mention perpetuating the idea that we are all breastfeeding nazis. Reading her post really made me cringe.
With lactation consulting, experience and personality are key like with most professions. It takes many years of experience working with mothers to get good at “reading between the lines” which is so important with this work. Very few women will tell you outright that they don't want to breastfeed because of the pressure they feel from others to do so. But they do tell you even if it's not explicit. And yes I do believe that we should listen and that sometimes part of our job is to give permission to stop when the negative starts to outweigh the positive. And then help them to feel good about this decision so they can move on. Just as there's more to breastfeeding than breastmilk, there's more to mothering than breastfeeding!
@ Lildark & Becky05,
Word.
Hello, I enjoyed your article and have a question for you. I am currently becoming a Lactation Consultant and intend on being formula-friendly. But are you saying that LCs should not be formula friendly? I plan on learning as much about formula feeding as I can so that if a mom needs it, I can help her. Of my own children, I had one that I formula fed and one that I breastfed, so I am not against formula or women who FF one bit. I just want to help new moms figure out what is best for them and to be successful with that decision. I think a lot of lactation consultants are too hard core and that makes it hard for the rest of us who are not judgmental and just want to help ANY way we can.