Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They are also not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.
This is only the second father-written FFF Friday post I’ve ever received, which is a real shame. Obviously, mothers are the ones who deal with most of the breastfeeding-related emotional and physical trauma, but dads are affected as well. It’s the fathers (and non-birthing, female partners, of course – as a side note, I wish we’d hear from more same-sex couples as well as heterosexual fathers) who have to sit on the sidelines feeling conflicted about how best to offer support. Except for the male breastfeeding advocates and physicians, there is a real lack of testosterone in this discourse…and wouldn’t it be interesting to hear what fathers really think, when they aren’t being lumped into categories like “breastfeeding friendly” and “pushing bottle-feeding”? I have a feeling that for most of our partners, these decisions and actions are based less on parenting theories and societal expectations of perfection, and more on ensuring the immediate happiness and survival of the people they love the most.
So, to FFF Brian – thank you for being an incredible father, incredible writer, and incredible resource for the readers of this blog. I hope this great post will inspire other men to contribute…because I, for one, want to hear what you have to say.
Happy Friday, fearless ones.
The FFF
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My wife has been the recipient of more unsolicited advice than anyone I know. When she was pregnant, she had a violent case of hyperemesis gravidarum. Friends, family and strangers would tell her that she should try ginger, lemons, and other natural remedies to cure an illness that hospitalized her for dehydration multiple times. She explored every possible holistic avenue to avoid having to take Zofran and other drugs to help her manage her symptoms. When given the choice between letting our son die or trying some modern medicine, the choice was a no-brainer. Had we lived just a few decades ago, she would have been written off as not just a physical failure but an emotional failure because doctors believed that hyperemesis was caused by a mother’s unwillingness to have a child.
As we prepared for childbirth, my wife and I did private HypnoBirthing classes, breastfeeding workshops, and hired a Doula. We ended up changing our hospital to one that was more receptive to natural childbirth methods. We had high hopes that the birth would be a totally natural process – just like the many HypnoBirths we saw during our classes. Once again, our plans were thrown out the window. My wife’s water broke before contractions had begun. Because the water had broken, the nurses and midwife were concerned about infection if labor didn’t progress adequately. So, my wife went on Pitocin while using only hypnosis as a pain-reliever. My wife endured over 10 hours of Pitocin-enhanced contractions before the staff recommended that she have an epidural so they could avoid a C-section. I don’t know how she made it for 10 hours on Pitocin without any pain medicine – I have never seen anyone in so much pain.
Somehow she did it, without having to do a C-section. Our son was born healthy and happy; his weight gain of almost eight pounds was not coincidentally more than my wife had gained during her pregnancy. When our son was born, we both hoped that we could finally have the natural experience that everyone told us was, without a doubt, the best thing for a baby – breastfeeding. Once again, conventional wisdom failed us. Our son was not keeping his food down at all – we kept him upright for an hour after feedings to avoid acid reflux, which basically meant that we did not sleep for the first month of his life. Our pediatrician suggested we see an allergist to have our son tested for food allergies.
It turned out that our son was allergic to peanuts, pecans, sunflower seeds, cow milk, gluten, oats, soybeans, mangos, strawberries, tomatoes, paprika, eggplant, peppers, mustard, ginger, dill, cinnamon, and corn. Having been told from everyone that “breast is best”, my wife resolved to do an elimination diet. We went to the store and my wife prepared herself for several months of eating nothing but lamb and brown rice. One problem though – she was only producing a couple of ounces of milk a day, not anywhere close to nourish our son.
Having exhausted all other options, we gave our son an exclusive diet of Simliac Alimentum Ready-To-Feed. It was the only formula that did not have anything to which he was allergic. It has cost a small fortune, but it was worth it. Our son ate well, and his mood improved tremendously. Today, he is a thriving, delightful eight month old. Had we lived fifty years ago, he would likely have died from malnutrition. I am glad that my wife had the courage to put her son’s welfare above ideological stubbornness.
Our experience reminds me of a joke I heard the other day. There was a man stuck on an island as the river rose. A rescue team threw him a rope and he refused to grab it because “God Saves”. The river rose and the rescue team sent a boat to him and he refused to get in because “God Saves”. The river rose and he climbed the flag pole and a helicopter came by to pick him up and he refused to get in because “God Saves”. He finally drowned and when he stood before God, he was miffed. “Why didn’t you save me?” he screamed out. God looked down and said “I sent you a rope, a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?”
When my wife was pregnant, God sent us Zofran. When she gave birth, He sent us Pitocin and an epidural. When our son couldn’t feed, He sent us Alimentum.
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Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Send your FFF Friday submission over ASAP to formulafeeders@gmail.com. (This is coming from the queen of procrastination, but whatever…)
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
That last sentence is so powerful to me! We had a similar experience, only with the c-section and milk protein intolerance instead of milk allergy. Hypoallergenic formula truly is lifesaving! I really appreciate hearing your perspective.
Amen, brother! Amen! Good on all three of you.
Absolutely!! My hubby also grateful for formula-he got to feed, bond and be involved and loved it! I have read a few fathers supportive of their wifes/partners. Some actually very vocal in this support. They have had to live the heartbreaking path of “failing” at bf, along with their partners and babies. they know the full story. They know the agony. They know how hard we tried and sometimes it just doesn't work out. They don't berate us. They have heard too many others do that! They make us see sense and just want a happy family. So thank you for sharing your story.
Really well written and thoughtful piece. Thanks for this.
Just as a note, though, not all non-feeding spouses are necessarily on the side of doing FF. Till he saw how much time I wasted struggling with nursing strikes and how much better our baby was on hypoallergenics, my husband took BFing as the default, often saying things like “of course we are BFing, it's best” (uh, “we”?) and asking why I didn't do x or y to make BFing easier – it took a while before he truly understood the emotional impact of being the primary source of a baby's food with resistance and allergies on me as the mother.
Thanks for this…and glad you both could see that modern medicine, including formula is there for a reason. This is not meant to be condescending, we have read stories here of women too stubborn to accept medical help (formula incl), leading to babies literally on the verge of starving to death, etc.
I hope your son might “outgrow” some of those food allergies, that's pretty rough for him, and you of course. I think there is at least on person here with severe food allergies (anaphylaxis), maybe she could direct you to a website or support group?
Thanks Amy. We did more allergy testing 2 weeks ago and we're down to five now. It feels more manageable for sure.
My husband says (whenever I put myself through another round of guilt over not exclusively breastfeeding): “Our kids are happy and healthy, right? So who cares?”
It took my youngest turning a year old before I really, truly agreed with him. It amazes me that we can't just say “happy, healthy kids are the goal and who cares how they get there.” It would be a much more pleasant world if we did.
And as someone who has several family members who were unable to have children of their own, I like to put it like this: People assume that if you have breasts you should be able to breastfeed, but that is like saying every woman with a uterus should be able to have children.
Unfortunately, that is not the case. It is really nice to hear a father's point of view. Thanks!
That's probably me. Look me up on FB (I post on FFF's FB regularly), I'll be happy to point you to some awesome food allergy support networks, if you don't know of them already!
Your wife is lucky to have you. I also had terrible Hyperemisis with both pregnancies and went into full blown kidney failure 4 months into my second one because I was still listening to people telling me things like, “just eat crackers when you first wake up” and “everyone gets sick when they're pregnant but it passes.” Luckily, I was finally diagnosed in time to get on some more serious meds with baby number 2 and both my babies are healthy (they'd have to be tough to survive that!). I also couldn't seem to produce enough breastmilk. Maybe it's because women who suffer this are so half starved by the time the baby is born that our bodies start hoarding nutrition. Just a guess.
Word of warning for your wife. According to my gyno, this gets worse with each pregnancy so she may want to think about talking to your doctor about starting the meds early before the nausia takes hold if you guys go for round 2. Good luck!
Did your husband pressure you to bf? That is honestly one of my biggest pet peeves/fears. It is ultimately the mother's decision because she has to actually DO it and I will shout that from the rooftops until the day I die. Is it fair that it's ultimately not dad's choice? No, it's not but I also don't think it's fair that a father's role in creating said baby is easy and fun, and well, we all know what the mother's role is.
Lactivist propaganda is unfortunately getting to males/fathers-to-be as well and I find it extremely unsettling and downright scary. They hear the rhetoric over and over about how superior bfing is and how easy and natural it is. For a mom who doesn't want to bf for whatever reason or is having trouble, they could unknowingly/unintentionally create more stress and/or pressure by trying to “encourage” or being “supportive”. As soon as my husband and I start seriously discussing starting a family again this is one thing I'm nipping in the bud right up front. If he doesn't like it he can decide what's worse for our baby-not getting exclusive breastmilk or having a pissed off, strung out, resentful mother.
Not pressured per se, but in a context where everything you read says it's the best option it's hard not to treat it as the default, esp when nursing spouse wants to do it and says so; he would say things like “why don't you pump, isn't it more efficient” and act as though BFing was a matter of mere personal will at first. It's one of the side-effects of BFIng being treated as public health decision rather than a matter of what a woman chooses to do with her body, IMHO. Ultimately he did gently ask why I was pushing myself so hard when the bottle was working fine, esp as he was the primary parent at home, but there's a lot of stuff that even the most well meaning spouse or family member can miss when they don't realize what a very personal emotional and bodily struggle it can be.
Hence the choice of words few and some! And Kristin makes a good point in that some that don't support are also “victims” of bf propaganda! I'm glad your partner eventually understood. At the end of the day we just all doing the best we can for our family.