Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They are also not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.
This FFF Friday contributor asked to remain anonymous, for understandable reasons. Her story highlights the fact that you NEVER know what is behind someone’s decision not to breastfeed. This woman’s reasons for choosing formula were deeply personal and specific, and in my opinion (not that my opinion, or anyone’s opinion, should matter) emotional discomfort with breastfeeding is equivalent to physical pain.
Both are hard. Both happen. And neither should be ignored.
Happy Friday, fearless ones…
The FFF
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I have always known I would not breastfeed, not because I couldn’t, because I didn’t want to.
I have always had problems with my breasts. When I was going through puberty, I had some borderline molestation/fondling issues with a family female. She would feel my chest when she thought I was sleeping, it made me deeply self conscious about my chest. That was coupled with the fact that I was a late bloomer, so I would get nasty comments from boys about having no chest, then all of a sudden, boom! I inherited my family’s “blessing” of large chests and boys made gross comments about them, so I always tried to cover up and I developed terrible posture from trying to hide them. For a very long time I was ashamed of my breasts.
I have always had problems with my breasts. When I was going through puberty, I had some borderline molestation/fondling issues with a family female. She would feel my chest when she thought I was sleeping, it made me deeply self conscious about my chest. That was coupled with the fact that I was a late bloomer, so I would get nasty comments from boys about having no chest, then all of a sudden, boom! I inherited my family’s “blessing” of large chests and boys made gross comments about them, so I always tried to cover up and I developed terrible posture from trying to hide them. For a very long time I was ashamed of my breasts.
Before I even got married or got pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to breastfeed. The idea of it gave me the heebie jeebies. I know the research behind breast being best, but when I got pregnant I knew I still didn’t even want to try to breastfeed and I started preparing myself for all the naysayers who I thought would attack me for choosing formula.
I come from a family who strongly supports breastfeeding and my mom breastfed all five of her kids. Surprisingly, my mom never made any comments about my decision not to breastfeed. My father tried to convince me once, to at least try breastfeeding for a few weeks, but after I told him I was not going to do it, he never brought it up again. I was so surprised with how kind everyone else was when they heard about my decision. My OB asked at my first appointment if I planned to breastfeed to which I responded no and began awkwardly trying to explain. She immediately stopped me and said, you don’t need to explain at all. At that moment, I dropped all my defenses about it and decided to be confident when people asked the typical question perfect strangers think it is okay to ask a pregnant woman, “what is your plan with your private anatomy?” I only came up against one holier than thou woman who was vocal about the “fact” that formula is poison and how it will give my child diabetes and leukemia.
After I had my baby, I was a little worried because I had heard that the hospital I delivered at was notorious for their lactation consultants guilting new moms. Again, I was happily surprised that no one ever made a comment about my decision to not try breastfeeding. I loved formula feeding. My husband was able to jump right in with feedings and he loved feeding our daughter. She was small for gestational age so we had to closely monitor her consumption which was simple with formula, plus we used a high calorie formula to help. Night feedings we wonderful since my husband and I could switch off.
Around 8 weeks postpartum, I went into my OB for postpartum depression. It was one of the most difficult times of my life. During that time, I began doubting my decision to formula feed. If I had breastfed would I have gotten PPD? Whenever I sought out support for myself as a formula feeder, the web was full of support…… support for those who tried their hardest to breastfeed, tried until they cried and bled. Staunch proponents of breastfeeding made comments along the lines of formula is okay, if you gave it your all and you biologically can not breastfeed. It felt like formula was okay as long as you tried your best, but not fine if you chose it outright. With medication and therapy I got past my PPD and became more confident again.
I have loved the freedom that came with formula feeding. My husband bonded with our daughter and was truly a 50/50 parent because he was able to feed her so we were able to split parenting responsibilities. She was able to get a boost on weight gain with the higher calorie formula. I am so happy with my decision, I will definitely formula feed my next child. My daughter is a smart, healthy 14 month old and she actually gets sick much less often than friends’ children who were breastfed. I believe feeding your child is a deeply personal decision. I try not to ask pregnant mothers what their feeding plan is. If it comes up, I never ask them to justify their decision and I will never justify mine to anyone who asks me.
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Waiting to submit your story? No time like the present… email it today: formulafeeders@gmail.com.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
I applaud you for being confident in your feeding choice. As a new mum, I am trying to feel comfortable & confident with how my feeding journey has turned out. I think we all come to the decision via different means. And yes it can be surprising when you get support for FF from people you don't expect & equally so when you really feel judged by people who shouldn't.
What a wonderful post. Here Here to you feeding your baby the way you felt comfortable. I don't think anyone HAS to try BFing to be able to get the go ahead to FF. Why? Why does it make any difference if you tried first and then went to formula or just went to formula because YOU decided to.
Again feed your babies, love your babies, hold your babies. That's all that matters at the end of the day.
So refreshing to hear! I am a Mom who chose outright not to breastfeed and I have definitely felt judged. I am pregnant with my second and still have ZERO desire to breastfeed. I see that my daughter is turning out to be smart, funny, close to both myself and my husband, and like you said, is rarely sick compared to her formula fed friends. Thank you so much for writing this!
I made the same decision for other reasons and have never looked back. I FF from minute one and my now three year old is an amazing, healthy smart boy.
“what is your plan with your private anatomy?”
I love this! I felt the same way when people would ask if our pregnancy was an accident (“what was your plan when you were having sex?”) or about dilation towards the end of pregnancy (“what does your cervix look like right now?”). I think the “what are you going to do with your breasts” should be equally private unless you decide you want to share!
Agree wholeheartedly!
I think the question, “Are you breastfeeding?” should be added to the list of things not to ask/ say to a pregnant woman/ new mom.
Thanks for your story. You've been through a lot! When it comes down to it, we just never know anyone's circumstances so you are right, we shouldn't even ask! Somethings should be left private. Have fun with your toddler!
Anon, I have similar issues with breasts due to inappropriate behavior with a family “friend”. I tried breastfeeding for less than a week. I had really no desire to do so, but would have if it had been easy and pain-free. It wasn't, so I switched to formula pretty damn quick. Which is just a way of saying I get where you are coming from.
Thank you for your story. I shared my story last year and couldn't quite put into words what you have done so eloquently. One doesn't need a “defect” in breast feeding to choose to formula feed instead.
Love this post! You're one brave woman.
You've articulated something I haven't quite been able to when you wrote, “I felt like formula was okay as long as you tried your best…” That's the impression I've gotten from a lot of articles on infant feeding, too. And the authors think they get to decide when you've tried hard enough. *Headdesk*
I don't have any kids yet. I may or may not attempt breastfeeding as it may be physically difficult or impossible for me. But there is a chance I will be able to nurse. I'm afraid that my decision to formula feed will not be “approved” in certain lactivist circles unless I try and quite possibly go to much more trouble than I'm willing to. It's really none of their business, IMHO. But the criticism is one of my biggest concerns about bottle feeding.
More power to you for doing what was best for you and your family… with confidence.
Kudos to your OB, too.
Yes – it still shocks me that people talking about a pregnant person/new parent in passing say things like “so is she nursing or not?” What business is it of anyone's???
I have to say that before having a child I did *think* some judgey thoughts about those who didn't BF…e.g SAHMs who made a big deal out of staying at home (with a nanny of course) because it was Best for the Child (with lots of snide comments about us “career girls” who cared so little for their children that they wanted to, gasp, have a career), but then said BFing would tie them down to the home so it wasn't for them – but that was before I saw just how much work a baby is and how difficult it is to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is BFing, mentally and emotionally…and I would never, ever have verbalized any of it.
It's a very sexist impulse at its core, this desire to judge mothers and micromanage their relationships with their children. I have yet to meet a single father who was given grief for working outside the home, travelling for work, not spending all his spare time with child and so on while being the parent of a young baby. Sears can talk all he likes about how fathers should/can babywear and participate in childcare but it's all about how “mom” is essential to the emotional wellbeing and nurturing of the child and ultimately only “mom” stands between the child and a life of neglect/illness/poverty or success/confidence/health. No matter how successful a woman is in other spheres of life it's like she has to prove ultimately that she's still Good Mother while for men the Good Father badge is secondary to the Good Provider, even in the most liberal families.
I agree with your assessment of how mothers are treated vs. fathers, and my husband would too. He is a teacher, so he is a SAHD for two months in the summer. Generally, when he took the children out somewhere, his presence was received in one of two ways: 1)with fear (mothers would move away from him and keep their children away) or 2)with huge accolades–”wow what a great dad you are, so involved!”
He thought that 2nd one was insulting because he was doing exactly what they were doing, but it was considered “greater” because he is a man. He feels that men shouldn't have to be praised for being involved—that being involved should be the default for any parent.
That said, I am still proud that he is such a wonderful father. We have friends where the father is not as involved, and that's basically because he can get away with it. It's not currently expected of fathers, it's considered a bonus.
One good thing about this streak of warm weather in the Midwest is that I might get a chance to use my Dr. Sears book as kindling for a BBQ sooner than I thought…