Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They are also not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.
FFF Lisa’s submission highlights a condition called Insufficient Glandular Tissue, or IGT (also called “mammary hypoplasia” or “tubular hypoplastic breasts”). I had never heard of such a thing until I started this blog, and unfortunately, neither have most of the women I’ve encountered who have it. What’s truly unfortunate is that there are physical characteristics which can indicate IGT, and none of us are alerted to this prior to giving birth. If any of the women who’ve struggled to breastfeed with IGT were told by their OB/GYNs during routine prenatal visits that they may have this condition, imagine how better prepared – both physically and mentally – they could have been for the challenges ahead. These are the things that should be talked about in regards to breastfeeding initiatives, and yet they are only discussed in hushed voices in internet chat rooms and blogs.
But I’ll shut up about that for now, because Lisa’s story isn’t really about IGT. It’s about triumphing over the pressure to “try everything” in order to breastfeed, and doing what you feel is best for yourself and your entire family.
Happy Friday (or Saturday, in most timezones), fearless ones.
The FFF
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When I was pregnant with my first son, I had never even heard of insufficient glandular tissue. I also never thought for a moment that my PCOS could hurt my chances to breastfeed. I just figured it would work for me like it had worked for all of my friends. The fact that I had had no breast change over the course of the entire pregnancy left a small, nagging feeling in the back of my head, but I just ignored it and continued on the breastfeeding path. After three unsuccessful days of laboring, a magnesium IV for high blood pressure, and a pitocin IV that proved to be useless, I had a c-section. Over the course of the next three days at the hospital, I needed help from a nurse to get him to latch every time. Every time, he would suck voraciously for a few minutes, then fall asleep. I started to wonder if he was getting anything to eat, but every time I asked a nurse, I got the same response: ”Everyone can breastfeed. Your milk is coming in. Just be patient.”
To make a long story short, I got home and couldn’t get him to latch (surprise, surprise!). I called my pediatrician in tears at 4:00 in the morning, and he told me to give him some formula. We had some formula we had received in the mail, so my husband mixed up a 2 oz. bottle and gave it to our son. He completely inhaled it, and then immediately fell asleep. Needless to say, I cried for most of that day (ok, week, but who’s counting?). I had failed. I spent the next few weeks searching the internet, calling my doctor, trying to figure out what I could do to salvage my breastfeeding relationship with my son. I received an endless list of suggestions, many of which I tried, but nothing worked. I spent a great deal of time on the LLL site, which proved to be a bad idea for me. They are very nice and well-meaning, but I was left with a feeling of “If I don’t try EVERYTHING, I haven’t done enough”, which was not good for me in the mental state I was in. I became very depressed, and bonding with my son became very difficult. I am so thankful that my husband was there to pick up the slack, because I was not “all there”. After a few weeks of trying various suggestions with no results, I quit trying to breastfeed and just moved on, but in the back of my mind, I was always thinking about my plans for the next baby.
When I got pregnant the second time, I immediately started doing research. I read all of the best breastfeeding books. I believed all of these women that told me “just because you have problems with the first, doesn’t mean you’ll have problems with the second” (even though I, again, had no breast change at all). My husband was worried about me. He saw what I went through with the oldest, and he didn’t want me to be disappointed again. When my second was born, it was perfect. A scheduled c-section, a perfect latch, and….still no milk. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days talking with every lactation consultant numerous times, trying everything they said (different positions, breast compressions, etc, etc), until one very nice LC came in to help me and told me something that completely shocked me. She felt my breast and said, “Well, you’re really soft for 4 days postpartum“. I mentioned to her that I had PCOS, and she told me that that could be what’s affecting my supply. She also made a comment about the shape and spacing of my breasts. ”You can only do what you can do. Not everyone can breastfeed”. Well, this was news to me! Where was she last time I was at the hospital!? I was shocked. And, just like with my first, my milk never came in, and I was disappointed again.
This time, I did a different type of research. After looking into my symptoms and talking to my doctor, I learned that I most likely have IGT, and I would probably never be able to solely breastfeed. I think my husband was hoping that this revelation would help me move on, but it didn’t. I now started looking into information on IGT, and searching for any information on women who have breastfed successfully with this condition. I knew we wanted a third child, so I was determined to be prepared this time. I joined internet sites where women talked about the many things they were trying to do in order to get past this condition, from drugs to supplemental nursing to milk sharing. Reading all of the posts, I was inspired, but also nervous. Many of these women were greatly affected by the fact that nothing they tried was working. They were so hard on themselves, and you could hear the desperation and sadness in their posts, and I just didn’t want to go down that road again. I tried to push those feelings aside and tell myself, “This is what I need to do as a mother. I need to fight this battle”. I read about domperidone, reglan, goat’s rue, you name it. I felt like if I didn’t try all of these possible cures, I would always wonder, “What if…”.
One night, when I was doing research on one of these medications, my husband came in and sat with me. He said, “Are you sure you want to do this? You don’t know if any of this is going to work, and what the possible side effects are”. I told him that I really wanted to breastfeed our last baby, and I felt like I had to look into every possible solution in order to have no regrets. With that comment, he pointed over towards our sons. Our 2 1/2 year old was wrestling with our 15 month old, laughing and giggling, both strong, healthy, happy…and formula fed. It finally started to hit me: Why am I spending this much time and energy on this? What outcome am I hoping for, and will it be worth it? Am I going to miss those precious first few weeks pumping, taking supplements, weighing the baby, analyzing diapers, doing more research, etc, etc. And for what? I have proof that babies can thrive on formula, so why am I going through all of this? Guilt? Validation? My husband isn’t pressuring me, so why am I pressuring myself? My husband doesn’t care if our babies have breastmilk or formula, as long as they’re happy, healthy, and thriving. He would also like a happy, calm, non-neurotic wife, which he unfortunately didn’t get with the first two babies.
So here I am, 22 weeks pregnant, and I’ve decided to give my husband a gift…a wife who is happy, calm, and neurosis-free. He was there for both myself and the boys when I wasn’t able to breastfeed, and he was always the patient voice of reason. This time, I’ve decided to let it go. I’m going to relax, breath, and just enjoy being a mom. My baby will get some breastfeeding at the hospital, and when that is not enough, he or she will get formula. No herbs or medicines, no power pumping, no internet searches at 3 in the morning…nothing. That is my gift to my sons, who need a mom who is present and there for them. It is a gift to my husband, who has held my hand, listened to me as I cried, and has been a tremendous support. Most of all, it’s a gift to me, so I can just enjoy motherhood this last time around and have no regrets. Since having this revelation, I am now more excited than ever about having this baby. I have stopped reading information on the condition, stopped my association with IGT and PCOS-related internet groups, put my books away, and have made a conscious decision to accept what I cannot change and focus on enjoying this time with my kids, because we all know how fast it goes. It took me a long time to get here, but I’m glad I made it!
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If you feel like joining the ranks of the bravest guest posters in the Interworld, shoot me an email with your infant-feeding-related story: formulafeeders@gmail.com.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. I think that you are making the right decision: you don't just owe it to your husband and your baby- who will, of course, benefit more from having a relaxed Mama who can focus on the child rather than obsess over the feeding. You must do it for yourself too. And NEVER think that you have failed in any way.
Love this!
You're giving yourself and your entire family an incredible gift… you in one piece.
Congratulations and good luck.
You're an inspiration. You did try everything. I'm so happy for u that you are comfortable with the decision. This is why all the debate needs to stop. You can try and still not succeed. And as you have discovered a happy, loving mother is the ultimate gift to a child. Mother knows best and what works for the whole family. You go girl!
What I don't understand is why, when you reach the right age, nobody teaches you about this stuff. In hindsight, I'd feel more comfortable knowing that breastfeeding isn't always going to be easy, that it mightn't last as long as you expect, or that you physically (& through NO fault of your own), may not be able to breastfeed. We seem to discover all of this after the fact & when we're hardly in a state to think logically and rationally about it. We've just had babies!! I think that if we're better educated from the beginning than perhaps a lot of emotional/ mental health issues might be avoided. We might feel more comfortable with making our feeding decisions because we're not living up to some idealised notion of how it should all happen. Many of us seem to drive ourselves crazy trying to find solutions to feeding 'problems' when it'd be so much easier to move on & enjoy our babies with our families instead of pumping EBM for little or no gain & feeling terrible every time you reach for the formula to make up a bottle. Before my LO was born, I didn't even consider that I'd have even the smallest issue with feeding for 6 months plus. Well it didn't happen & now I see that its quite common to have some hiccups along the way. I am grateful for this forum and the opportunity to read the stories of other courageous women. It is helping me to exorcise my own demons. So thankyou, and well done to all of us.
Good for you! That's my plan this time too. Just do my best, and gracefully accept reality before going crazy.
This is an inspirational story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Good for you! This will truly be an awesome gift for all of you. Enjoy life without the feeding stress!
Thank you so much for the feedback! My only regret is that I didn't come to this conclusion sooner. I feel like I missed out on so much with my first two in my futile efforts to do what I felt I had to do to be a “good” mom. This is my last baby, and I'm glad I have another opportunity to truly appreciate the experience.
You're darn right that the best gift you can give your family is not your milk, but yourself. You are an inspiration to others. It's beyond time for women (and the organizations that purport to support them) to recognize that we are worth more than what our bodies can and cannot do, and we only hurt ourselves when we define ourselves in such terms. Congrats on your third child and I hope that you have a safe birth with a happy, healthy baby!
You are very brave for telling this story. I had never heard of this condition. I made milk but getting it out in a way that wasn't excruciatingly painful was my challenge. Multiple cases of mastitis, numerous clogged ducts at the same time, cracked bleeding nipples. I made it 3 months (mostly pumping) with my first. Like you, I thought the second child would be the one who would nurse like a champ. Afterall, hadn't I been through most of the problems a breastfeeding mom can face? I did tons of research, red books, talked to every nurse and LC at the hospital after my second was born. As soon as my milk came in … all of the problems came rushing back. I knew the milk was in there, I knew I had a good latch, but the mastitis came back, the clogged ducts, all of it. Only this time, pumping did not work. Maybe I needed a better pump (one of the things I felt guilty about later) but it was a newer pump and the same that had worked with my first. My husband, too, was the voice of reason. I quit after one week because I saw myself going down the same rough road I went through with my first. I also had difficulty bonding with my first until I stopped breastfeeding. Although I still put myself through a ton of guilt with the second one, now that I have 2 healthy kids I realize that it doesn't matter how they got here. When we have a third I will try again, but like you I will not beat myself up about it if it doesn't work. I would rather not spend the first few weeks/months of my baby's life in excruciating pain or chained to a breast pump. I wish there were more women out there with the attitudes of the women on this site.
great sad story, wish you the best! i'm sure you are an amazing mother!