Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They are also not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.
There are a few FFFs who are now breastfeeding their second children, and I hope that when they are feeling up to it they will share their stories with us. I am so thrilled that they are feeling good about something that used to cause them angst and pain; that is honestly the best outcome I could hope for any of us.
However – “success” is not defined by breastfeeding working out the second time around. Success, to me, is feeling confident in your feeding choice. You also don’t need to “breastfeed, take two”, in order feel healed from a bad first experience. All you need for that is to have the ability with your next child to do what works for your family; to make an unencumbered, “clean” decision (i.e., not a result of pressure or terrible circumstances).
To FFF Rachel, the author of this post - and all of you – please hear me when I say this: It’s okay to not try again. It’s okay to decide enough is enough. It’s okay to be self-protective, because by protecting yourself, you are protecting your ability to mother and mother well.
Success is a baby who is sufficiently fed by a mother (or father) who is emotionally and physically healthy. Whatever you need to do to get yourself to that point, do it.
End of story.
And with that, the beginning of FFF Rachel’s story….
Happy Friday, fearless ones,
The FFF
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I was not determined to breastfeed at all costs. I knew that from the beginning. There was a limit to how much work I would be willing to do to breastfeed. Knowing that, I didn’t want to see the LC in the hospital after delivery or afterwards once I was having trouble. I was afraid she’d try to pressure me into doing more work than I could or wanted to. For this, I feel I fall into the “not a good enough reason to use formula” category. I often feel the need to discuss the troubles I had with trying to breastfeed my firstborn to validate my choice of exclusive formula with my second child.
When I was pregnant with my first, a friend of mine passed on some formula samples she’d gotten in the mail (her kids were ages 4 and 10), and I knew that I’d probably use them. But, I did want to start out breastfeeding. As our family’s breadwinner with no paid maternity leave, I would be going back to work as soon as daycare would take our son – 6 weeks. I intended to breastfeed from the beginning, then start learning to use the pump after a few weeks, so that I’d be a pro by the time I was using it at work. I would use formula when necessary.
My first son was born via a very rough, very fast forceps delivery. It saved his life; he was not getting adequate oxygen due to the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. He weighed 9 lbs 7 oz, and his head circumference was in the 95th percentile. This all left me with a 4th degree laceration, in addition to 2 long internal tears. Healing was (is) a long road. I was in pain every day for the first 4 months of his life. In the end, I found relief in pelvic floor physical therapy, though I have lingering pain on and off even now. I don’t know whether my tearing affected my milk production, but it did decrease how much work I’d be willing/able to do to breastfeed.
As soon as Nate was born, he was fine. He was screaming and healthy. He was also rooting, hungry. The nurses told me he was hungry, but I wouldn’t be able to feed him until my OB finished repairing my pelvic floor. They knew it would take a long time, but weren’t sure how long. I couldn’t (and still can’t) stand the thought of letting my son go hungry, so my husband fed him a bottle of formula. He drank half an ounce and went to sleep.
By the time they were done stitching me, Nate was 2 hours old. That was also about the time that my epidural wore off. I have never experienced such all-consuming pain. I didn’t care about seeing or holding my son until I got some pain meds, which just took the edge off the pain. He was awake and rooting again then, so I tried to feed him.
Nate seemed to latch on fine, sucked for a few minutes, and soon fell asleep. We repeated this every time he woke up for the first day. I had no idea how to tell whether or not he was actually eating anything. The nurse told me not to worry. Of course I had colostrum, but only a few drops, so we wouldn’t really be able to tell.
The day after he was born, Nate began refusing to latch and screaming every time I tried to feed him. He seemed so hungry. Eventually, he’d wear himself out from screaming and fall asleep, having not eaten. The nurse helped me try some different things, but nothing changed his mind.
My OB wanted to keep me in the hospital an extra day because of my tearing but left it up to me. I was ready to get rid of the catheter, have my IV taken out, go home, and find a more comfortable place to sit, so we were released about 30 hours after Nate was born. Since we’d been having some trouble with breastfeeding for the past few hours, my nurse sent us home with extra ready-to-feed formula samples.
The first night home, after waiting at the pharmacy for an eternity, I dosed up on pain meds, sprayed myself with Dermoplast, sat down on an ice pack, and tried to feed Nate. He screamed, struggled, fought. I couldn’t make him latch on. He hadn’t eaten in about 12 hours (though I was beginning to doubt he’d actually eaten while latched on to me). When I couldn’t take any more screaming, I told my husband to bring me a bottle. Nate ate more than an ounce and fell asleep.
The next day I tried a few times to nurse, but was in too much pain to have the energy for it. We fed him formula all day. I suspected that continuing to give him a bottle would spoil him so that he’d never agree to nurse, but to me, that was better than leaving him hungry. He never did latch on to my breast again.
The fourth day, I got out my pump. I didn’t know if I even had anything to pump out. I had no leaking and no firmness in my breasts. Obviously my milk hadn’t come in yet, but I had thought that I should be able to hand-express colostrum but couldn’t. I pumped every 2 hours for 30 minutes at a time and didn’t get a single drop until my last pump of the day on day five. It was just enough to cover the tip of my finger. Five days after that, when Nate was 10 days old, continuing my pumping schedule, and getting a tiny bit more each day, I actually had enough milk (after a full day of pumping) to fill one bottle. He was taking 3 ounces at a time by then.
It seemed to get easier over the next week. I made more milk every day until I plateaued at 12 ounces per day. Nate was combo fed 50/50, and I was ok with that. It would actually be easier once I went back to work because we could keep a can of formula and some bottles at daycare rather than take bottles of expressed milk every day. Then he could have expressed milk at night at home.
I found my output was best if I pumped 6 times a day, so I kept that up. I took herbs, drank herbal tea, ate oatmeal, and did so many other things to increase and maintain my milk supply. I peaked at 15 ounces per day at 9 or 10 weeks, right about the time that Nate increased his appetite to 30 ounces a day rather than 24. Then my supply started waning.
I redoubled my efforts to produce more. I wanted to quit, telling myself that it would be ok to go to 100% formula, that this was going to require more work than I wanted to do, and maybe it wouldn’t work out anyway. But I worried about regret and guilt. I read many things online about milk supply issues. What I found was not so much help with increasing production, and not so much comfort, as admonishments that there’s really no such thing as not having enough milk. I just wasn’t pumping right/long enough/often enough. Better still, what I should do was let my baby go hungry until he would eat directly from the breast. Then I could be sure he was getting all that I was producing. Most of the advice was from women who’d had some issues, but what really rubbed me the wrong way about them was that they would always end their advice with something like, “If I could get through my issues and still exclusively breastfeed, then anyone can.” This made me feel like quitting because of my waning milk supply would be premature. So I decided to stick it out.
I maintained my supply for about a week after that, but then it really started tanking. I felt like I was wasting my time, energy, resources, and money on trying to produce more milk and pump it out. When I told my husband that I’d been considering quitting, he told me to quit that very day. He’d been supporting me because I wanted to pump, but he felt that I was just torturing myself, and it wasn’t necessary. I agreed, but I couldn’t give up so soon. Giving up was a very emotional thing for me and meant admitting defeat.
Everyone said not to quit on a bad day because things could get easier. So when Nate was 2 and a half months old, I decided that I did want to quit pumping, but I’d wait until he was 3 months old for the final decision. I really did keep up my efforts those 2 weeks or so. By Nate’s 3 month birthday, I was only pumping 5-7 oz per day. I didn’t see any reason to keep up all of that work just for 1 bottle of breastmilk, so I quit. Emotionally, it was hard to let go, so I told myself that I could still pump when I felt like I had milk (I knew that I’d never be engorged). The first day, I pumped 3 times. The second day I pumped twice. My last pump was first thing in the morning of the third day.
I didn’t exactly feel guilty, but I was disappointed in my body. I was very sad the first week, but suddenly realized that I was no longer spending ridiculous amounts of time attached to the pump. I got to spend my free time with my son. I was no longer worried about how to make more milk or how much milk I had. I started enjoying feeding Nate. He was 3 months old, and I finally started to feel like we were bonding. I loved formula feeding! I was so relieved that I had let my milk dry up. My only regret was that I hadn’t done it sooner.
Despite physical therapy, I continued to have pain issues due to nerve damage in my scars. When I got pregnant again (Nate was 11 months old), we knew from the beginning that I’d be having a c-section. I couldn’t risk doing even more damage to my pelvic floor, not just because of my pain, but also because I’d be risking permanent and complete incontinence.
Knowing I never produced much milk for Nate, I didn’t trust my body to make milk for Ben. I would need to see how much he was eating. I didn’t have the energy or desire to try to exclusively pump again. But I remembered how wonderful I felt after switching Nate to formula 100%. I told my husband that I didn’t want to mess with trying to breastfeed this time, we’d go straight to formula. He agreed with my decision wholeheartedly.
We fed Ben formula from day 1. He was not as hungry as Nate was at birth. He actually didn’t eat until he was 6 or 7 hours old, and then it was much smaller quantities than Nate ate from his first bottles. I felt great after delivery. Once the morphine wore off, I was in pain, but with Vicodin and ibuprofen, my pain level was much less than it had been the first days and weeks after my first delivery. We were released right at 48 hours after Ben was born.
When my milk came in, I noticed. I found it impossible to resist at least trying to breastfeed and pump, even though I knew I didn’t want to do either. Ben didn’t have Nate’s strong appetite or impatience. I seemed to have better milk production this time. It could be easier. I attempted both breastfeeding and pumping over a period of 3 or 4 days. However, in the end, I finally admitted that I just didn’t like it, so I stopped.
I shouldn’t have to justify why I feed Ben formula or why I combo fed Nate for 3 months and then fed him only formula after that. It’s not accurate to say that I did everything I could to breastfeed, and it just didn’t work out. I may have been able to do more to breastfeed Nate, though it probably would not have been good for us. I didn’t really even try to breastfeed Ben. I don’t feel guilty for not breastfeeding; formula feeding is the best thing for us. But I do feel judged. That feeling of judgement makes me not a very fearless formula feeder. Looking at my 4 month old and 2 year old, people see beautiful healthy boys who are growing, thriving, and never sick. Obviously I’ve not done them any damage in the way I feed them. Why should people care whether or not these boys were breastfed?
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Share your story for an upcoming FFF Friday. Send it along to formulafeeders@gmail.com. It’s like the formula feeding equivalent to a nurse-in…;)
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
thank you for sharing. I didn't enjoy bfíng either and after a few months with both my children they went straight to formula. i often feel i have to justify this decision. i had no medical reason why i couldn't- i just didn't enjoy it… thank you for making me feel a little more fearless. x
Thank you for sharing this story. I find it really helpful and very interesting to read about how people approached the feeding second time around. You're absolutely right, once they get a bit older nobody knows whether or not they were formula or breastfed anyway!
Thank you for sharing. I BFed my first for 4 weeks and my second for 3.5 months. They were then formula fed and are now 4 and 2 and wonderful little boys.
We should not have to justify why/how we feed our children. We are feeding them and loving them.
“My only regret was not doing it sooner.” MINE TOO! I feel like I missed a lot of those first few months with my daughter because I was so focused on trying to make breastfeeding & pumping work. Like you I bonded so much more with my daughter when we stopped nursing. You have made difficult decisons and done the best for you and your family. You are a courageous mother!
They judge you because they are insecure within themselves. I think anyone who is that willing to judge another postpartum woman given what we go through either a) has no children or b) has insecurity issues you can't begin to imagine. I mean think about it. There are children being abused and murdered, and you choose to pick on someone who's making the best decision for her and her family? Get a life. Also, as a woman who went beyond all sanity just to breastfeed I must say I wish I had your healthy sense of mind to move on sooner. My son and I have a better relationship because of formula, my husband and I are doing better because I chose to switch to formula because I'm not fighting with him about it. As breadwinner you don't need that kind of stress. There are breastfed men in prison. You gonna tell me they got there cause they weren't breastfed? Let those judgmental people wallow in their own misery, you have two beautiful boys to raise!
With horrible supply (3-4 ounces a day on max herbs, pumping, compressing, domperidone/reglan, SNS, etc.), I made it 3.5 months with my son, supplementing the whole way, before he self weaned and went 100% to formula. He is healthy and ahead on every milestone at nearly 16 months. My second is due in June and I do not plan to breastfeed. Thank you for sharing a story to make me feel better about my choice.
“There are children being abused and murdered, and you choose to pick on someone who's making the best decision for her and her family”.
I find that a bizarre statement. What point are you trying to make? That because some children are abused, we shouldn't worry about dwindling breastfeeding rates? Is there some sort of hierarchy whereby everything that falls under “abuse and murder” can be dismissed?
I think the point is more that there is so much energy spent on this particular issue when there are far more dire issues going on in the world. If we could harness the vitriol reserved for formula feeding parents and formula companies and direct it at, say, child abusers or the lack of resources for public education, imagine what we could accomplish.
It's easy to slap an anti-nestle banner on your blog and gripe about formula companies. It's harder to advocate for something like clean water, which not only means women in developing countries get the same choices we do in the developed world but also benefits all the other people who could get sick and die from bad water–including nursing moms. If half the people who have those anti-nestle banners up on their pages put their money where their mouths were and started a drive on charity:water their readers could donate to, I'd be a lot more likely to believe every last breastfeeding advocate out there is trying to help women and children, not just belittle others with indoor plumbing and access to good formula for daring to make use of them.
Are you suggesting that more vitriol is reserved for formula feeders than child abusers? That's a little bit of an exaggeration no? Your argument makes no sense. In that vein it could be argued that because some children are raped, we should ignore those who live in poverty or who are denied an education, because being raped is more serious.
I don't think I made the argument in the first place, did I? I'm not even sure what you were referring to- was it a comment in the post? You realize this is a guest post, correct? Or did you not read the introductory statement about this not necessarily representing my personal views?
I am certainly not saying that one cause trumps another, but to be fair, I see far more energy spent in the mommy blog community on this issue and trying to put down other people's choices in general, and I do think it is rooted in insecurity and “mean girl” spirit rather than altruism. The way that people talk about formula fed babies with derision; the discussion of certain birth options as “natural” or “normal”… It all smacks of elitism and holier-than-thou judgement.
I was replying to your comment: “If we could harness the vitriol reserved for formula feeding parents and formula companies and direct it at, say, child abusers”.
Also have you thought that people may 'put down other people's choices' not out of insecurity, nor out of a 'mean-girl' spirit, but out of the interests of society? After all, we have to share the same society and so do our children. A lot of taxes are spent (here in the UK) on supplying health services to rectify the ill health that formula fed babies are at an increased risk of. This is money removed from other health priorities such as cancer treatment, etc. Not to mention the environmental damage that formula feeding causes to our planet – the planet we have to share. Your celebrated 'choice' has repercussions for us all.
No, I was asking about your original comment which sparked this argument. You quoted some other line which I can't remember ever writing – plus, as this is an FFF Friday post, all I would have written was a short intro -so I was wondering what it was you initially took offense to.
I do find it interesting, psychologically speaking, that the extremists and bullies seem to flock to FFF Friday posts to start up arguments. Seems odd that one would chose to comment on what is clearly meant to be a safe place for personal stories, not political statements, rather than the multitude of what I assume are far more inflammatory posts that I myself write. I have no problem being the enemy, but I wish people would refrain from starting drama on these posts as these women most often are revealing their innermost thoughts and attempting catharsis – not trying to change the world or defend formula on a widespread basis.
As for your comment about formula fed kids harming your society, there are so many fundamental wrongs within that paragraph that I can't respond on my Blackberry or my thumb may freeze up.
Perhaps you're right. Perhaps since the world's resources might be in short supply, it would be best for the environment and society if those of us who were unable so sustain our children on breast milk should have just let them die.
Funny you say that so much money is spent to rectfy the ill health of formula fed babies. Interestingly enough, every baby/child I know or know of that has severe excema, is always sick with colds, tummy bugs, DOUBLE ear infections, and is a bit on the chunky side is or has been EXCLUSIVELY breastfed. I know I know, it's anecdotable but still a pretty clear indication that breastfeeding is far from a guarantee of good health. Also, I'd love to know how much money is spent rectifying the ill effects of some of the situations that moms have described on this forum and others related to persisting with breastfeeding when it wasn't going well. Last time I checked, readmitting a newborn to the hospital for severe dehydration because mom wasn't producing enough and the lactofanatics she trusted bullied her into not supplementing costs MONEY. This is only one example-I'm sure there are plenty more. Sorry but I call BS on the money issue-in addition to the fact that many of the “studies” quantifying the money that would be saved if women breastfed have been debunked by credible sources.
Perfectly said, Kristin. Thanks for saving me legitimate medical dollars on physical therapy for my texting thumb.
Haha! Anytime. I'm sure carpel tunnel is not fun.
Can you cite the 'credible sources' please? Id like to read more on how breastfeeding *doesn't* save society money.
There may be more out there but the study I'm most familiar with around quantifying actual dollars saved from breastfeeding was the Bartick and Reinhold study done here in the US and published in April 2010. Here are a few links to Stats.org articles critiquing the study's methodology and conclusions:
http://stats.org/stories/2011/breastfeeding_risk_sids_jul11.html
http://stats.org/stories/2011/Breastfeeding_leukemia_nov11_11.html
Here is another piece on that same study from Dr. Amy Tuteur (a Harvard educated OB/GYN):
http://open.salon.com/blog/amytuteurmd/2010/04/05/breastfeeding_is_hard
Please keep in mind-I am not suggested that breastfeeding saves NO money. I am merely stating that breastfeeding advocates claiming that society saves all this money from the benefits of breastfeeding ignore the very real other side of the equation-dollars (or in your case pounds) spent on the advocacy, education, and support of breastfeeding, not to mention the costs associated with it, such as treatment for mastitis (which from what I understand is quite common) to treatment of infants who are not thriving on breastmilk. I'm not saying money spent on breastfeeding education or support is not money well spent-it is, but to claim that breastfeeding actually saves money (vs. formula feeding requiring all this extra money to be spent) is a one-sided, short sighted argument that doesn't consider the entire picture.
Yes there are benefits to breastfeeding, no one here argues that. Regardless, it remains a PERSONAL choice that every mother has a right to make for herself after considering factual, UNBIASED information on all possible feeding choices (I personally don't think we hear enough about combo feeding, exclusive pumping and other middle of the road alternatives but tha'ts a conversation for another time). Ultimately, this is VERY much a human rights issue as I STRONGLY believe everyone has the ultimate right and authority to decide what they do or do not do with intimate parts of their body.
Do you count the losses incurred by women not going to work outside the home, particularly if they can earn more and add to the GDP more by working as professionals and letting a child care provider take care of the child?
I have, unfortunately, seen that sentiment from time to time expressed by militant lactivists. Usually they try to say it rather gently, something like “letting nature take its course.” Which, again, does not reflect well on their level of concern for anyone's health or safety, or on breastfeeding women in general.
Can you please cite the “credible sources” that explain exactly HOW breastfeeding a baby causes a lack of food allergies, for example? Last time I checked, one of the best parts of kellymom were its resources for those breastfeeding moms who have to eliminate foods from their diets because their babies–even newborns–were so allergic that they'd react to the small amount of allergen in mom's milk.
And I want the HOW, not just some trumped up, PC, correlation- instead of causation-based information, please.
I agree with you, FFF, and think this trend points to the overall issue of whether extremists and bullies really care about anyone's health, or actually just use breastfeeding as their justification to not challenge themselves to recognize the rest of the world is not a clone of themselves, and can make very different yet very valid choices. If it wasn't breastfeeding, what would it be? Circumcision? Vaxing? Sleeping arrangements? Solid food? Diapering? Strollers vs. slings?
As much as I hope to God awesome people like Rachel and other FFF Friday submitters are not harmed by the vitriol that tends to show up in their threads (they've been through enough!), perhaps it is cathartic to see others rushing to their defense. Formula-feeding parents (and, I've found, parents who breastfeed past a year or two) aren't generally well-defended by the larger parenting community. Even the more moderates tend to draw a line at choosing not to breastfeed in the first place, lumping these folks all together as one big group of selfish miscreants. Or accusing those who breastfeed past a certain amount of time as being perverted.
One of the things that drew me to your blog in the first place was that I saw folks actively challenging the “breast is best” bullying, without qualifications as to who formula fed or why, or tried to breastfeed first and for how long/how much suffering. Not to mention all the defense I've seen of peoples' right to breastfeed.
Easy explanation Teri-it DOESN'T. At least in my purely unprofessional opinion this is one “benefit” of breastfeeding I am unconvinced of and recent research backs that up, yet is ignored. I was recently diagnosed with terrible airborne allergies (and yes, I was a breastfed baby) and I asked the allergist her take on the whole “breastfeeding prevents allergy” deal. She told me point blank-your future child(ren) are predisposed to allergies becuase you have them. Breastfeed if you want-it's great but don't fool yourself into thinking it will be the one thing that prevents them from inheriting your allergies.
Ummmm……I didn't get much past the first few paragraphs without feeling terribly angry and sad at the multiple examples of lack of support, possibly lack of info, and (I'm gonna say it….) booby traps, and….oh…lack of support Rachel received from her health care providers and society around her. The LAST person who should be feeling shame or guilt is Rachel. Yet another example of the woeful inadequacy of 'the system.'
By the way, the point of asking this Q is not to be heartless and treat the parenting relationship as one that can be reduced to economics, because my husband and I did make compromises/take time off to be with our baby at home till he was about 8 months old (mostly my husband was home). I support anyone who goes back to work full time as soon as they can too. My only point was that to negate people's very personal choices as parents on financial grounds (“you're raising healthcare costs by 0.2%!”) is a bit silly when applied to BFing if you think about it in contrast to the way we view, say, maternity leave.
Do you eat red meat? Your celebrated “choice” has more serious costs for the healthcare system than BFing does, per the latest Harvard Public Health study about mortality and poor health being correlated to regular red meat consumption. Do you or your friends have children that were born after you were 35 years old? Your decision to delay childbearing leads to sicklier children who need more genetic testing, interventions, fertility assistance and so on that costs our health care system money. Do you have a child who is disabled? You cost us money. Actually, pretty much anyone who doesn't live on a farm, eat vegan and have babies at age 25 costs us money. Want to have a go at a public health campaign whining about how everyone is booby-trapped into eating meat, living in cities and having babies late and should be punished for doing so?
Older mothers are often the target of disapproval. What's your point? That we should brush the facts under the carpet?
So are you dismissing that breastfeeding saves the Government money? Or are you agreeing that breastfeeding saves money, but not as much as is widely publicised?
The difference between “advanced maternal age” and formula feeding is that older mothers aren't the target of systematic campaigns to convince them that they are harming themselves, their children, and society as a whole by having children when they are older. There aren't posters up in the local public health department with an older woman holding an infant with Down's Syndrome and the caption of “No, actually, he's my *son*” and information about why it's dangerous to wait to have children (not to mention that everyone will assume you're the grandma).
There is nothing wrong with presenting facts. The problem is when advocacy goes beyond presenting facts, encouraging and supporting mothers who want to breastfeed, and pushing for changes to societal and medical barriers that keep women from being able to meet their breastfeeding goals. The problem is when breastfeeding advocates start to suggest that formula should be by prescription only or that all mothers should be required to breastfeed. The problem is when the research gets blown out of proportion so that the discussion goes from facts to emotionally-charged propaganda. The problem comes when it stops being understood that it is fundamentally a woman's right to decide for herself whether or not she will breastfeed or pump (and to what lengths she will go to do so), and it is the family's right to decide whether to use milk from other women or formula, just like it is fundamentally a woman's right to decide for herself whether and when she will have children.
I am pointing out that breastfeeding may save money in one respect, but always requires money and resources to be spent, so ultimately, I believe it's a wash. The argument that breastfeeding saves $ and formula feeding wastes money is flawed and there is more to the story. Whether the healthcare system spends extra money on treatment for one more cold (maybe) for a formula baby vs. antibiotics/medical care for a nursing mom with mastitis, 6 of one half dozen of the other. Make sense?
Yes! Thank you!
I read this and the first thing that comes to mind is that your lack of support from your child’s first breath is shameful. Shame on the hospital for not getting that baby to the breast. Also the lack of education is very apparent. I am glad you were able to give your child what you did. I hope next time around you are able to research and if the desire is still there breastfeed successfully. There was nothing wrong with you, you were set up to fail at the hospital. Our system is very supportive of formula feeding mothers but when it comes to breastfeeding they make it more challenging to be successful every step of the way. (hugs).