The treatment FFF Alicia received at the hands of medical professionals makes me want to slam my fist through a wall. I feel so incredibly lucky that I (for the most part) have always been under the care of incredibly supportive, flexible physicians and understanding lactation consultants, but I hear way too many stories like Alicia’s where the level of care is seriously atrocious. I know we hear a lot about physicians and nurses who do not support breastfeeding (either intentionally or unintentionally through ignorance of breastfeeding-friendly practices), but I think there’s plenty of evidence that professionals are screwing up on both sides. It boggles my mind that from the moment a baby is delivered, a woman can be seen as nothing more than a repository of milk. Is it too much to ask that we are treated as individuals, or at least a dyad in the true sense of the term? Can’t we have proper support for breastfeeding without dehumanizing the struggle some women go through, by no fault of their own? Manhandling breasts and telling a woman she is to blame for “improper” breastfeeding is no way to help a mother or an infant.

I feel awful that Alicia could not meet her breastfeeding goals, but I am so impressed with her ability to let go of the guilt and realize that she is doing the best thing possible for her family’s overall emotional and physical health.

Happy Friday, fearless ones…

The FFF

In all honesty, like many of your readers, I never wanted to be a formula-feeding mom. I was so excited about breastfeeding; the bonding, the natural aspect, and lord knows, the savings would be wonderful. But, here I am, instead of feeding my daughter under a cutesy nursing cover, I’m shaking her bottles of powder and purified water.

I had high blood pressure throughout my pregnancy and was monitored and on medications to help control it. At a routine visit at 36 weeks 3 days my blood pressure was sky-high (like 200/120.) The nurse looked concerned, my doctor seemed calmer, but I was sent packing to labor and delivery right away just for observation. That observation turned into overnight observation (thank goodness I had that bag packed at 20 weeks!) and then a 9 AM induction.

Our little girl arrived 14 hours later after a pretty rough labor. I was administered magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures and as a result I was weak, tired, and groggy and my daughter was also feeling its effects because her heart rate dropped quite a few times during labor. At one point because of the medications my blood pressure dropped to 61/36 and the entire nursing staff rushed in ready to administer epinephrine in case I went into cardiac arrest. After her birth our daughter had to be resuscitated. It was not the idyllic birth I’d envisioned. She was whisked away to be checked over and a nurse quickly came back and said her sugar level was low and could they give her formula? “Of course! Give her anything she needs,” I said.

They brought her to me as soon as possible and I tried to get her to breastfeed but with no luck. The next day the LC came and worked with me (after no less than 3 nurses showed me the BEST way to nurse- all of the best ways were different.) I was confused and tired. I had been on my back for over 24 hours because of the magnesium sulfate, my little girl wouldn’t eat and I was a mess. We were sent home with a pump and a starting supply of formula.

At our pediatrician’s office the day after we were released we were told she also had jaundice and she was put on a bili-blanket for phototherapy. This was just another aspect we hadn’t (and couldn’t have possibly) anticipated. Also, I learned later that jaundice often makes babies sleepier and harder to nurse.

Over the next few weeks I pumped and breastfed as much as possible. She never seemed satisfied after breastfeeding and would stay on my breast for an hour or more at a time. I was getting no sleep and my pumping was yielding next to nothing. I had wonderful support in my husband and mother who were there to help whenever I needed them. But, the fact was I was the only one with the magical milk producing mammary glands. My blood pressure was still high and I was on medication for that. I was becoming more and more depressed because things just weren’t as I’d envisioned them. And I felt like I was failing. Every feeding was breast and bottle and then pumping. It was monotony and wasn’t doing either me or my daughter much good.

I went to her pediatrician’s office for a check-up at about 1 week. A not-very-kind pediatrician in the practice saw I was looking gray and asked how feeding was going. I replied honestly. She then said that we needed to work on getting me to breastfeeding exclusively. “Mom and baby will be happier that way! I have three kids and I breastfed them all!” Well, then I lost it. I cried and the guilt was so overwhelming. From day one I felt like breastfeeding was the only way to go and that formula feeding was lazy and indication of failure. But, now I really felt bad. The LC came in and threw my breast this way and that and essentially told me I was doing it all wrong and that’s why I couldn’t get a good latch and my daughter wasn’t getting what she needed.

I left and cried the whole way home. But I sort of came to a realization. I had a serious discussion with my husband and mother and decided that really, maybe formula isn’t evil. My mom fed me formula, not an ounce of breast milk, and I turned out ok I think. And think of the rest I could get. I’d be better for my daughter if I didn’t resent having to try to feed her. So, we made the switch, but I would still nurse occasionally as it was helpful in calming her, but ended the nursing when I returned to work. But after the switch my husband could help more with feeding and really bonded with her as well. Before he’d felt so helpless as I cried and she cried.

I still felt tremendous guilt occasionally because I’d read so much about how breastfeeding helps prevent obesity, SIDS and even leukemia! But then I did some more reading after posting a question about my guilt on a message board. I learned how those statements aren’t exactly true and I learned that I shouldn’t feel as guilty as I did. Breastfeeding is great for some, but not for all. I feel much better about our decision to formula feed. Our daughter is now a giggly, handful of a 7 month old. She’s happy and I’m happy. And I’m enjoying motherhood so much more now that I’m not struggling to breastfeed.

Sharing our journeys can help others feel less alone. Join the FFF community by submitting your story – email me at formulafeeders@gmail.com.