FFF Friday: “…If I hadn’t used formula, my baby would’ve died.”

Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.

Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They are also not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.

I recently had the honor of meeting the incredible couple who started
Friends of Maddie, an awesome organization that supports the parents of babies in the NICU. This got me thinking about all the amazing preemie moms who have been a part of the FFF community. The author of the following post, “LRN”, is one of these women.

I don’t spend enough time talking about preemie parents, and the intense struggles that they often endure attempting to feed the tiniest, most fragile of babies; I will try to do so in the future, but in the meantime, I hope that LRN’s beautiful FFF Friday piece will reach not only mothers of NICU babies who are dealing with feeding issues, but also those who fail to understand the complexities of this debate.

Happy Friday, fearless ones…



I stumbled on your blog and thought I could chime in, although my story seems to be pretty far from what I have read on your page….admittedly, I am an American living in a foreign country, but it is one with excellent medical care (in most respects)….

Fast forwarding through a pretty uneventful short pregnancy, I ended up at my doctor one night at about 11pm after having some bleeding (this was my first baby) and back pain. Ultrasound showed baby looked fine, placenta looked fine, baby heartrate fine….perhaps I had just jostled the wrong way and baby jarred my placenta, causing slight bleeding; they hooked me up to a monitor, said they would watch me for an hour just to see, but wrote papers for me to have 2 weeks bedrest off work. About 45 minutes into the hour, my water suddenly just broke, contractions started like a son-of-a-gun, and in less than 2 hours, my baby was born at 24 weeks, 5 days gestation – 1 pound, 10 ounces only! They whisked him away to the NICU and basically left my husband and I just there with a nurse to keep an eye on me. I didn’t even know if he was alive for several hours…..
Later in the day (baby was born about 2:40 am), the doctor finally came to see me (my husband had been to see him and take pictures to bring back) and my husband and give us the details. Insert a ton of depressing medical talk here…..
No one ever mentioned breast feeding or pumping, and I didn’t know to ask (baby came BEFORE scheduled birthing classes….I came from a small family – I never really saw anyone breastfeeding; those who did were very discreet and private about it). I was in the hospital for 3 days; on day 2, I asked one of the nurses – um, what about breastfeeding or pumping? Should I be doing that? And she looked totally shocked – your baby is so small, he can’t breast feed! You want to pump? I said yes, but I don’t know how. So she brought in a laptop computer and played a video on breastfeeding for me. I asked about pumping (I sent a friend to get a pump – hadn’t bought that yet – hadn’t bought ANYTHING yet for the baby) and she said she would get someone to help me. No one helped me.
So, day 3 I tried out my pump – absolutely the weirdest sensation ever! And I got 1 drop, yes, just 1 drop on the end of my nipples, after nearly 20 minutes hooked to the machine. I read and re-read all the instructions, thinking, I must be doing this wrong; according to the machine,, milk should be flowing out, I mean, geez, it has directions how to change to new bottles during the pumping session when you fill the first ones! But no.
So when I got home, I googled to try to find help from La Leche League (found a local chapter in a neighboring country, with a rep willing to work with me via email). Um, no one at the hospital told me I should have been pumping from right after the baby was born (not waiting 3 days), that I should have been pumping every 2-3 hours to get the milk established, that having my baby so early my body may not have been ready for milk and I would have to work insanely hard to get it to realize MILK NEEDED!
But once I knew, I started pumping every 3 hours, round the clock. I had a backpack pump that I took to work (I didn’t use all my maternity leave – I felt fine; I asked to save it for when the baby came home from the hospital – which would be 123 long days later…) with a cooler pack in it. Pump pump pump, all for my little guy….but the most I ever got in one pumping session was probably about 1 ounce per session – both boobs combined. Which at the time, was way more than he was drinking anyway, so I had a freezer drawer full of little milk bags of milk, in about 1 or 2 ounces each. In the mean time, the baby’s dr tells me to get blood tests because the baby’s bones are so brittle – I was very low on Vit D, so my milk was not giving the baby enough calcium, so they added it to his feeds (he was getting other sources of nutrition besides BM because of his medical health needs). Pumping actually wasn’t too bad on me – I never had mastitis, or cracked/bleeding nipples, and it never hurt – so I just figured, keep it up until baby can BF directly, and I will be in the clear!
Fast forward to day 119 – the first time they let me attempt to BF (they were suprised that I wanted to, with such a tiny baby!). They took me and baby into a cubicle with a broken office chair and left us there. I had no idea how to start – the baby weighed 4 pounds and was the smallest baby I had ever held! Still, I fumbled around, jostled baby a bit, and managed to get him to latch and suckle a little – I have no idea if he actually got any milk. After about 5 minutes, he got the hiccups and we couldn’t get the latch back, and he was getting fussy, so I took him back to the NICU for the nurse to get him a bottle. There are no lactation consultants here…we tried every day for a bit until his discharge on day 123, but never really succeeded.
When we got him home, I tried once or twice a day to BF directly and could never manage it – I have no family here and most of my friends were at work most of the time, or had no kids and wouldn’t know what to do to help. So I stayed a slave of the pump, and gave my baby the freshly pumped stuff plus started delving into my freezer stash. For about a month, this actually was working fine….then we took the baby for a checkup and they determined that he wasn’t gaining weight fast enough and had me get human breast milk fortifier (a powder added to my pumped milk) – so that basically made me give up the dream of ever trying to get the baby to BF directly.
Then later, he was classified as failure to thrive and I had to give him a special extra-high calorie formula – he had to have that for all but one of his daily feeds, so he could still get the benefits of a little breast milk. I still gave an occasional attempt at direct feeding, just because I wanted that bonding….but he never took to me (ironically, he would suck on any size or shape of bottle nipple, he wasn’t picky about them, he just didn’t want MY nipple – and I knew nothing about nipple shields or I might have tried that as well, if it was the “plastic-y” feel he liked). So when he was 5 months old (the first 4 being in the NICU), he was on formula mostly, with a dabble of BM.
After 2 more hospitalizations and more emotional trauma than one person should have to bear, I finally weaned off the pump during baby’s 7th month; he had frozen BM to last for 2 more months (at 1 bottle a day, since I never made more than a few ounces a day anyway – oh, and I was taking domperadome, fenugreek, teas, eating more oatmeal than a lumberjack, cool packs, warm packs – everything I could find as a medical, herbal, or old-wives’ tale to increase milk).
I really felt let-down by the medical personnel at the maternity hospital I was in….they just assumed I wouldn’t breastfeed or pump, due to the early birth, and therefore did nothing right away. I don’t know if it would have made a difference – perhaps my body just wasn’t ready, or it was too much stress with baby in the hospital in grave condition for such a long time…I just know this – if I hadn’t used formula, my baby would have died…it is that simple.
I want another baby someday, and I do want to breastfeed, but after all I went through, my baby is now 17 months old and is in the 50% for height and 5 pounds away from being ON the weight chart – I feel I did the best I could, the best anyone could have in my circumstances. (I will add that thankfully, the friends I did have here were all supportive of my attempts at pumping and providing breastmilk, it is just that none of them had the knowledge to help me).
I don’t know if my story is worthy of being on your site, since I wasn’t attacked or badgered by lactation and breast-feeding zealots, but maybe it will help another mother with a NICU baby feel better; I have since discovered that mothers of micropreemies (born less than 27 weeks and less than 1 KG) typically have lots of problems with breastfeeding/pumping (and the babies have problems with the feedings themselves) – if I can help even one reader with a baby in the NICU relax about not being able to breast feed, then I will feel like my trials were not just a test for me.


Share your story for an upcoming FFF Friday: simply email me at formulafeeders@gmail.com.

Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.

Suzanne Barston – who has written posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

7 thoughts on “FFF Friday: “…If I hadn’t used formula, my baby would’ve died.”

  1. LRN- God bless you. I'm the mom of a 26 weeker. I DID start pumping immediately and still had supply issues (also did the fenugreek, dom, oatmeal etc etc.) and he had so many feeding issues that he ended up with a G-tube until he was nearly 3 years old. I did manage to pump for a long time, but we also had to add formula to it to up the calories because he was so tiny and Failure To Thrive. It was a hard road.
    In the end, we all do the best we can, which is what you did.
    Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. Thank you for your post. And I think it has every right to be here. All FFing moms have different stories.

    My niece is I guess what is considered a micro preemie. She was born at 26 weeks at 1lb 11oz. Luckily my SIL was told to start pumping pretty much right away. So she did, but they still fortified her BM to ensure the little dear was getting all the calories she needed to help her not only grow but to do all the developing she now had to do on her own instead of with the help of mommy.

    The little one NEVER did BF directly, she just couldn't. Her heart never got strong enough, it was too much for her. Picture running a marathon, everytime she BF directly that's what it wasa like & then she was too tired to try the next time. So my SIL pumped for 8 MONTHS! HOLY SMOKES! She is a champ – her milk started drying up and she was devestated, she kept pumping and combo fed for a while and then at almost 10 months she made the switch to formula.

    There is a story behind every FF baby & each story is unique and different and deserves to be supported.

    I'm glad you baby is doing so well!

  3. THANK YOU for this. I too am a preemie mom of a 27 weeker. I pumped myself raw for 2 weeks for only drops at a time (started pumping 24 hours after birth). After 2 weeks of emotional Hell, I had to call it quits for my sanity. My little one got donor milk for her first month, then it was all formula. I cried so much when they switched her to formula, the neonatologist had to reassure me that she would be fine. Donor milk was for the tiniest, sickest infants and she no longer needed it. And guess what? She didn't. All that stress, crying, guilt… my daughter is the picture of health now four years later.

  4. I'm sorry there was such a lack of support in your hospital; you went through a hard enough time without having to figure out all you did on your own. It sure sounds to me like you did the best you could, although I'm no one to even judge. Reading FFF's blog is what helped me come to terms with the lies I'd been told about breastmilk in the face of my own inability to breastfeed, so I'm sure your story will help other moms, whether they have preemies, micro-preemies, or full-term babies.

    One of the things I love about this blog is that for the open-minded, there are so many things to learn about how breastfeeding is not properly supported. Many websites gripe about booby traps, but typically in a more theoretical sense with lots of emphasis on formula companies. This one shows the reality–typically in which there was no evil formula company rep twirling his mustache, life circumstances simply made it impossible or not advisable. There is nothing wrong with using formula for any reason, including when breastfeeding just plain didn't work out.

    You don't have to be attacked by anyone to have excellent reasons to use formula; it's just the unfortunate truth is that most of us have been. Given all you've been through, I'm devoutly thankful that you haven't. I've seen some of the online attacks on moms of preemies merely for using breastmilk fortifiers (by folks who can't even understand that a fortifier is NOT formula, never mind grasping the need for high-calorie formula) and it's not pretty. No one should have to go through that, especially not the moms of the most vulnerable babies.

    I'm glad to hear your child is healthy, and hope that everything is smooth sailing for your family from now on!

  5. I agree that your story most certainly belongs here, and I'm glad to hear you weren't bullied about the formula/fortification/combo feeding. There is way too much of that already, and you had enough on your plate with a NICU baby. It's wonderful that he is doing so well.

    FWIW, my sons were near-term preemies (36wk) and they didn't need NICU, but they did need immediate supplementation with formula. (I was fine with that) They were so small that a tiny amount of weight loss was significant for them….so glad I didn't run into anyone who suggested I wait until my milk came in to feed them either. Anyone who suggests that any baby, but ESPECIALLY a preemie or IUGR, wait any length of time for the mother's milk to come in, and to avoid formula at all costs has no idea.

  6. Thank you for this. You sure had a hard road. It's amazing how people think pumping, breastfeeding etc should come naturally and we should all be able to lactate ounces and ounces of thick perfect milk without much effort.
    While I got pumping [as I'd nursed my first for 2 years] I never made enough to support my term baby fully. Then she got sick. They tested her for cystic fibrosis and other cancer sounding illnesses and she'd been readmitted to the hospital several times by the time she was six months. Then we discovered this wonderful 'medical grade' formula and everything changed. My sick baby got better. All those months of pumping, elimination diets, bloody stool, bloody vomit etc etc we found something that made her better. She stopped pooping blood and vomiting blood. Most people were understanding a few still think because they stopped drinking milk I could have done that too.
    You did the best you could with what you knew and I am amazed by your dedication to pump as long as you did.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *