Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
Please note, these stories are for the most part unedited, and do not necessarily represent the FFF’s opinions. They are also not political statements – this is an arena for people to share their thoughts, and I hope we can all give them the space to do so.
In today’s FFF Friday post, FFF Susanne wonders if bottle feeding could possibly do more harm to a child than having a miserable mother. I think she came to the right conclusion. But I really think this is what this debate comes down to, more times than not. We can argue biological superiority, statistics, and health outcomes on the population level until we run out of breath, but at the end of the day all that matters is the individual mother and her individual situation. And if that situation is making her miserable, she needs to be given the opportunity to make a decision which could alleviate her stress without being made to feel guilty, or given misleading information.
I’ll be back next week with new posts… thanks for your patience as I adjust to being back at a “normal” job…!
Happy Friday, fearless ones!
The FFF
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I’d gone into hospital to give birth with every intention of breastfeeding my baby. Bottle feeding was just not an option. I was practically militant on the breastfeeding issue. It’s the most natural thing on earth, it’s what breasts are for, it’s a wonderful bonding experience and best for the baby… So how did I end up leaving hospital with a bag full of formula bottles?
Well, combine anaemia from an emergency c-section with a hungry ten pound baby who is so distressed he can’t latch on, add in the pressure of being told he must be fed every two hours because his size could be due to gestational diabetes and it could be dangerous if his blood sugar levels drop, and later that he must be fed regularly because he had jaundice.. But he still can’t latch on properly and still the milk hasn’t come in… Ultimately I didn’t feel like I had a choice. And I’m no quitter either, I tried and tried until I bled, I got every kind of help available to me, I spoke to the breastfeeding support workers and buzzed so often for help from the midwives they got sick of me. I knew the “nipple to nose” advice of how to achieve a good latch inside out, but that unfortunately was the only advice they seemed capable of giving. Other than it being nice having someone to talk to, unfortunately I didn’t find them very helpful at all. And I went through quite a few.
But me and my hungry little fella fought back on our own. Yes he left hospital a bottle fed baby, but once back at home we practiced and practiced until we got it right. It was far from easy, I was always told babies loved breastfeeding but he would scream at me, claw at me, grunt and practically fight me. I often felt horribly rejected and as though he hated me. But I was utterly determined. Eventually the formula decreased, the breastfeeding increased… and increased, and increased… He would feed for hours and hours on end, with my husband back at work I barely ate, barely drank, obviously I barely slept (all of these things I now know exacerbated the problem, though not one health visitor or breastfeeding support worker mentioned these factors) I didn’t leave the house, I was too embarrassed to feed in public in case he started the screaming, grunting, fighting me thing. And he just fed for so long I literally couldn’t go anywhere. The breastfeeding support workers came around again with their “nose to nipple” advice (yeh, we’ve got that down now thank you!), the health visitor said it was a growth spurt and would last maybe 48 hours (ignoring the fact it had already lasted weeks and I’d told them that). No one seemed to have heard of a baby who liked to spend practically all of his waking hours feeding, I was just urged to keep going and told I should be proud of myself.
By 3 months we’d done away totally with the formula and settled into a routine of one hour on, one hour off, then back on for the entire evening. I didn’t deliberately set out to do the attachment parenting thing, but he was pretty much permanently attached anyway. Last Christmas I opened our presents with him attached, ate my Christmas dinner with him attached… you get the picture. And actually I was ok with this. I worked on my supply by ensuring I ate properly, drank loads of water, did relaxation exercises (things I’d researched on the internet). The fighting and screaming had stopped. We were winning!
Then a block duct led to thrush, which due to misdiagnosis and then the wrong prescription led to mastitis. After a month of crying in agony through each feed (which is a lot of feeding for my boy) it almost destroyed the breastfeeding, decimated my supply and put him back on the bottle.
Once eventually cured I set about trying to build the feeding up again, but he would scream at me in hunger and frustration, claw at my chest and grunt as he had done before (you should have seen the state of my chest, I looked like one of my cats had attacked me! I thought breastfeeding was meant to be a beautiful experience??) Anyway I just couldn’t put him through all that again, just so I could pat myself on the back and say my child was breastfed, when even at best he needed to spend most of the day feeding just to get his fill. Barely anyone saw his face until he was four months old! And I was utterly miserable, my sanity was seriously fraying around the edges. Was breastfeeding really the best for him? I was a bottle fed baby and my mum suffered depression for years, I know which did me the most harm and it certainly wasn’t formula. I was losing my marbles and I didn’t want my own child to grow up with a mentally ill mother as I did.
So I decided to stop. But my god I was heartbroken, utterly devastated. I felt like I’d failed. I’d failed to give birth naturally and now I’d failed to fully breastfeed. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to become a mother? I didn’t feel like a proper woman, a feeling I’m still struggling with.
Actually we didn’t fully stop breastfeeding until he was around 7 months old. I kept on feeding him at night until he started sleeping through and then we stopped altogether. And with a combination of breast and bottle my little fella was contented at last. In fact he came on leaps and bounds. He wasn’t so angry and unhappy anymore, he smiled all the time and is an utter joy to be around. I feel sad we didn’t fully breastfeed, but it was the right thing to do and no one can tell me otherwise. And I’ve also learned some valuable lessons in humility and not judging others along the way. It brought me down a peg or two.
I do still believe breast is best, but formula is a close second and if breastfeeding is causing you and your baby so much distress, then perhaps that outweighs the benefits? Looking back I feel very let down by the professionals, the antenatal classes were so busy bigging up the benefits of breastfeeding they never once mentioned how difficult it could be – but if I’d had more honest, realistic information perhaps I could have avoided the pitfalls.
When it came to feeding him formula I felt abandoned – I was sent home from hospital with mountains of literature about why you should breastfeed, and one miserly leaflet printed in the 80s (it looked that way at least!) about formula feeding. I felt embarrassed to bottle feed in public. Even Boots refuse to give you points on your loyalty card when buying formula because they want to encourage breastfeeding. They will reward you for buying absolutely anything else in the shop but not formula. I was livid. How dare they judge me? Are they saying I’m a bad mother for giving my child formula? Would I be a better mother if I let him go hungry? Would they prefer that?
I could go on and on (I already have!). I truly wish the most extreme of breastfeeding fanatics, as well as doctors, midwives, breastfeeding advisors, health visitors etc. would spend some time reading through all these accounts. It isn’t that we’re too vain to do it, aren’t prepared to make sacrifices for our babies, don’t want the best for them… perhaps if they understood the real reasons they’d be able to help or support rather than judge? And if governments are serious about improving breastfeeding rates then this would be a perfect place for them to start researching better ways to achieve that rather than shaming mothers who are already struggling.
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Start your new year off right by becoming a FFF Friday participant. Send your story to formulafeeders@gmail.com.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
Hear, hear! Very well, said, Susanne, and thank you so much for sharing your story.
Regarding Boots not giving you points, it's not a company decision, unfortunately (otherwise we could rant at them for it). It's Government-enforced thing, part of the whole, idiotic WHO “code” which means that promoting infant formula (so stage 1 & 2) is illegal. No price promotions, no discounts, no reward points. Same in supermarkets like Tesco and Sainsburys which have reward cards – you won't get points there. If there is a promotion like “Spend £50 in store and get 5p off per litre at the fuel station” and part of your £50 spend is a tub of infant formula, you won't get the voucher. It sucks, and I agree 100% with your statement:
“And if governments are serious about improving breastfeeding rates then this would be a perfect place for them to start researching better ways to achieve that rather than shaming mothers who are already struggling.”
Thank You for your post. It is very honest and to the point. You should not feel shame. You have hit the nail on the head in that maybe the relationship between mom & baby comes first. Maybe enjoying your baby should come first.
I last 4 weeks, 4 whole weeks with my first. I HATED EVERY minute of feeding him. HATED it. When it was getting to the point where I'd just stick a soother in his mouth to get an extra 5 or 10 mins of NOT having to feed him, I knew something just had to change. We made the switch and I actually ENJOYED feeding my baby.
I do think the “professionals” should read these accounts, take them to heart and rethink their strategies.
Thanks Again.
Thank you so much for your story. As a lactation consultant myself, I think stories like yours are vitally important. I 100% agree with the introductory statement, “We can argue biological superiority, statistics, and health outcomes on the population level until we run out of breath, but at the end of the day all that matters is the individual mother and her individual situation. And if that situation is making her miserable, she needs to be given the opportunity to make a decision which could alleviate her stress without being made to feel guilty, or given misleading information.”
Another LC here – and thanks for writing out your story. It's so helpful to continue to read about the real-life challenges faced following hospital discharge. (I work in a hospital setting as a nurse lactation consultant.) When a mom is facing a difficult start, emotional support and a realistic plan for as long as mom wants to work at breastfeeding is very important; a plan that treats mom as a mom and not simply a milk machine.
Listening to the mom about her own goals is important, too.
Thanks again!
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Susanne! You make some excellent points… and very articulately so.
I know nothing about Boots (I'm American) and have no idea why they don't give points for formula. But I don't agree with either reason given here. Will people stop equating encouraging BFing with discouraging FFing already? I realize that if the WHO code has the force of law and giving points would violate the almighty code, there's nothing the store can do. (The U.S. doesn't enforce the code.) I just makes my blood boil that infant formula can't be advertised, discounted or somehow “promoted” in many parts of the world. If it's a perfectly acceptable way to feed a baby (which I believe it is), why should anybody care if formula is marketed? Okay, maybe in some of the poorer developing nations there should be some rules and restrictions. But I think there's a fine line between protecting the destitute and uneducated from formula marketing and being paternalistic. I don't see how forbidding sales/specials, coupons, other discounts and free samples helps the poor, either. (Yes, I know the WHO argues this will keep regular prices low, but I don't buy that.)
Thank you so much for the lovely comments. I think it's wonderful that lactation consultants read this blog, I wish the one's I'd met had, they just seemed baffled by my situation. But having read what other women have experienced on here, it's not as unusual as they made me think! And Lisa B, it's true, the relationship is so important.
Susanne, I have just moved Barnaby onto follow-on milk so that I can start getting Boots Advantage card points. Now that your LO is over 6 months, you could do the same. It has extra iron, and there are some links on the FFF Facebook page regarding the drawbacks of added iron, but we've decided to go ahead with it because he only gets 4 formula feeds per day. Otherwise, I loathe Boots for their hideous man-bashing adverts… If it weren't for their amazing deals, I wouldn't use them!
I honestly feel that LCs should have to go through at least a year's workshadowing, if not two, before they are let near a mother who is struggling, one-on-one. The damage done by women who have studied but had zero experience can be irreparable, whether it's damage to the mother's morale, or nipple rejection by the baby. I'm not even sure what is being taught, other than that breastfeeding is natural and 99% of women can do it with just “nipple to nose; tummy to mummy”.
It's absurd that the LCGB are more concerned with blithering on about how breast is best (yes! We know!); “Creating an awareness of … the hazards of substitutes”; and “Establishing and maintaining a UK directory of human milk banks” than they are with actually ensuring that mothers who want to breast feed are helped effectively.
I also agree that your opening statement covers the whole “how should I feed my baby” controversy. You should feed your baby in a way that works for both of you, and leaves both of you healthy.
I'm sorry you are struggling with feeling feminine. On one hand, I totally believe women are more than their breasts and their uteruses…in the Western world today, a woman can achieve just about anything. But, I can see where you are coming from, because I had similar thoughts when I was struggling with infertility…how could I be a real woman if I couldn't do one the only things that separates women from men? (I got over it because after a difficult pregnancy and then raising twins and working full time, I haven't had time to even worry about it anymore.) At any rate, you are the best mother for your son and that's what counts, and being a mother is something only a woman can do.
I totally understand the fighting baby! Mine was like that too. Screamed, pushed me away, arching her back, etc. I couldn't even hold her in the cradle hold! She finally went on strike and just refused to nurse. At 2 1/2 months! That's unheard of, at least in all the desperate internet research I did. I think that is the worst part, not the pain, not the loneliness, not the guilt, but your own baby fighting against you when all you are doing is trying to feed them. I remember thinking the same as you, my own child hates me. Bottle feeding saved our relationship too – thank heavens! It takes a while to grieve, but it gets so much better. Soon your little one will be doing so much you don't even have time to worry about how they were fed the first year. Thanks for sharing your story!
thank you for sharing your experience with breastfeeding. I too had problems with breastfeeding my second child. I had painful, cracked and bleeding nipples, a baby that latched poorly in the beginning because I didn't have the support available to me from his birth and my lack of knowledge. I became an LC because I stuck it out and was passionate about breastfeeding and wanted to give my baby the best. In no way would I ever criticize a mom for choosing to formula feed. I think the choice a mom makes is a very personalized and individual one that should be respected. While we should encourage moms to breastfeed, we shouldn't be heavy handed about it, just as I think that health care professionals shouldn't be critical of moms for choosing to feed breast milk to their children as the reach toddler age. Our society attaches over sexualization to the act of breastfeeding and I believe that is at the root of the controversy surrounding the fight to normalize breastfeeding in public. I am nearing the age of 50 and many in my generation were formula fed. Indeed, our dolls that we were given as young children came equipped with a little bottle to feed. It was just a given that babies were delivered by stork and nourished with milk from a bottle. It is my hope that we continue to encourage breastfeeding without alienating women who decide to bottle feed formula. We should educate and advocate instead and respect each mother for her decision instead of villifying either one.
I want to hug all you moms out there who've struggled and were subjected to piss-poor support and who were then again un-supported by the very women in your communities for turning to formula to feed your babies. It isn't your fault and you are all wonderful mothers for doing what you felt needed to be done for the benefit of your babies health! It makes me so angry to think about how uneducated healthcare professionals are about lactation when they should be the experts and how I myself had to find alternate sources for my own breastfeeding issues.
Dear all,
Thank you for sharing so honestly!! I wanted to add that it might be also have been ´some other factors´. For example the fact that baby wants to cry, let out frustrations (in your arms off course!) and not being stopped in that by having a boob in the mouth. Then there´s also the diet of the mother. Or: how the birth developed also might play a role. There are so many sides to this story, which are often unknown to most people (but slowly come to light more and more). I think it´s important that those viewpoints and that kind of knowledge (psychological or nutritional or holistic) should deserve to be more widespread and known as well, even under professionals.
Best!