Last week, Erin explained how she fed her son formula from the start, in a manner which could definitely be described as fearless. I happen to be friends with Erin in real life, and she is one of the most inspiring, positive, and yes – fearless - people I’ve ever encountered. I think that comes through in the second part of her story. And as I said on Facebook when I published part one last week, if Erin’s words can’t end the breast vs bottle battle once and for all, I don’t know what will. Enjoy….
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When people think of breastfeeding, the image that comes to mind is of a mother feeding her child while rocking in a glider, the sun streaming in the window and a toddler quietly reading a book at her feet. That couldn’t be further from my reality. My reality involves a spit up and crumb covered couch, Sprout on the TV and me yelling at my toddler to please for the love of God and in the name of all things holy stop trying to ride the dog like he’s a pony. But for the past 4 months I have (much to my own surprise) been breastfeeding my son.
I’ve had an idyllic breastfeeding experience. I’ve never had a supply issue that couldn’t be corrected by drinking some more water. My son’s latch is great; I’ve never had a sore, cracked or bloody nipple. I have my husband’s full support, free and continuous access to lactation consultants and a child wellness clinic that will provide breastfeeding support and weight checks. My son rarely if ever takes a bottle of pumped milk and those sample cans of formula sit unopened in my pantry. If the lactivists of the world had a breast feeder of the month award, I’d be in the running.
Except for that whole formula feeder skeleton in my closet.
Because as open and frank as I am about breast feeding my second, I am equally open and frank about my decision to formula feed my first son. And it was a decision – I never even tried to put my nipple in his mouth. I was one of those soul-less, heart-less, unloving mothers who didn’t care enough about her child to give him the very best. Instead he drank smelly, nasty poison…err, formula. Thank goodness I came to my senses, turned my back on formula and made the right decision for my second son. Or at least that’s what some people would say.
Do I think I made the right decision for my second son? Yes. I believe that just as strongly as I still believe that I made the right decision for my first son when I gave him formula from the very start. Different circumstances, different children, and different decisions that were equally right for me, my child and our family. I have no regrets about formula feeding my first son and would do it again without a second thought.
I am telling you all of this for two reasons. First, because I want the readers of this blog to know that the decisions you made with your first child don’t mean you have to make the same decisions for any future children. Each child is an individual, circumstances change and we each bring our past experiences to the table to influence our decision making process. One successful breastfeeding experience doesn’t mean it will continue to be successful in the future just as a failed experience doesn’t mean that you are destined to fail if you decide to try again.
Second, because I hope that somewhere out there, lactivists are reading this blog and I hope they pay attention to what I am about to say – what you say and do to a new mom matters. There is a difference between encouraging someone and tearing them down. And that difference could determine success or failure in their first and future breastfeeding attempts. So many times I hear formula feeders talk about their experiences with a lactation consultant, nurse or fellow mom where they were pushed so hard to breastfeed, told that they just weren’t trying hard enough and that they failed their child by switching to formula and as they tell their stories I’m reminded of victims of emotional abuse. Those words and actions hurt, they leave scars and those scars leave so many people afraid to try breastfeeding again.
As I sit back and reflect on what made me a successful breast feeder this time, I can honestly say that formula has greatly contributed to my success. I didn’t go into this experience with the baggage of being a “failure” and I knew that I had a backup if I had an issue with my supply, or was in pain, or just needed a break. I think in their efforts to support breast feeding many people have chosen to make formula the enemy rather than finding ways to use it as a resource to help foster a positive breast feeding experience for new moms.
At the end of the day, we need to step back and decide what we really are fighting for in this breast vs. bottle battle. I hope that it’s not as simple and selfish as trying to prove who is right and who is wrong. I hope that we are all motivated by the desire to support new Moms and to give our children the best possible start in this world. We need to stop looking at the other side as the enemy and realize that we are all allies and that only way we can be successful is by working together. And that is what is best for our children.
