My in-laws are coming in today and I need to clean the damn house, so I have to rely on a guest post today. Luckily for me, I had a great one lying in wait.
I received this story from a wonderful, positive lactivist who has a popular blog; she asked to remain anonymous for reasons that will become obvious. Still, I hope she is reads this – because I want her to know how much I admire her for being able to step back from her activism and recognize that in some cases, common sense has to supersede advocacy.
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The Day I Championed Formula With My Whole Soul
by “Sharon”
My name is Sharon*, I am a young and passionate activist for breastfeeding. I want to tell a story that to this day weighs on my mind and heart to such an extent, it makes my blood boil when I think to what extremes some women will go to in the “name of breastfeeding”. Let me first explain a little about my experience with breastfeeding and what has made me a compassionate and open minded advocate for breastfeeding.
I became a mother at the age of 18 to a beautiful 8 pound daughter. I went through hell the first weeks with cracked nipples and the whole shebang. I was fortunate to have had help, ambivalent familial support and a tremendous desire to breastfeed, so, I continued and eventually we fixed the problem. I fell in love with breastfeeding and this is what subsequently drove me to become an outspoken activist for the cause. I breastfed my daughter for a little over a year and I look forward to it the second time around.
Because of my tumultuous start with breastfeeding, I know what it’s like to be near that point of giving up. I know what it’s like to have nipples that feel like shards of glass each time a nursing session comes up, and I know how it feels to want to reach for that can of formula and say “To hell with this!” These reactions are normal and I don’t judge them, or women who feel this way, whether they succumb to the thoughts or not. I don’t gain any personal glory from putting a woman down for turning to formula when she feels like the whole world is crumbling around her. It’s a choice, it’s her choice, it’s not the choice I would have made, but that’s because it was not mine to make. I grant (in my mind ) everyone this right. The right to choose.
Let me continue now to tell you of a story of a former friend of mine, someone so determined to breastfeed, so full of passion and perseverance that she nearly starved her first, and second child to death.
She was a woman who exuded confidence to the extent that it turned into sheer arrogance. She had a character that was an acquired taste. I like to compare it to iguanas and cacti. Not many animals can walk on cactus, it takes a certain type of animal to bear it, namely, an iguana. She was like a cactus and I did my best to be like an iguana for the sake of the friendship. She refused all breastfeeding or childbirth education classes, but she knew she wanted a home birth and breastfeeding experience. She was too good to go to any class because she was a self proclaimed “self-learner”. She ate those words pretty quickly.
Fast forward some months and she finally gives birth. A rather small but healthy baby named Lola. Lola was adored by her family and was given extra attention because of being the first grandchild. At that time, my former friend, Tanira* was living at her mother’s home, along with her husband and siblings. Tanira was adamant about breastfeeding. She came from a long line of breastfeeders who nursed their children successfully so nothing less would suffice for her (in her mind). Her rigid and exacting attitude made it difficult to correct her or suggest anything that she disagreed with. That would just welcome a fight.
A breastfeeding counselor looked at the latch, watched the nursing sessions and deemed everything alright. Tanira breastfed day in and day out. Mercilessly. But, as the weeks passed by and I saw Lola, she wasn’t getting bigger, she wasn’t getting fatter. I mean, come on, a baby at the breast that much should be a load of rolls . Another week passed, yet another, and each time I saw Lola, she looked worse. The skin hung off her bones, her body re-grew fuzzy hair all over it, and if she ever cried, she could only squeeze out a whimper. Something was terribly wrong and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know that.
I was quite unsure about how she would react if I approached her about how her baby looked and what I could observe. I could barely sleep at night thinking about how gruesomely skinny Lola was getting. I finally decided that I could no longer take it. I contacted an LC and notified her, but asked her to check things out quietly (for fear Tanira found out it was me who said something) I didn’t want to hurt Tanira’s feelings but I couldn’t stand by and watch what was happening and remain silent. Tanira’s husband and mother stood by and watched little Lola for weeks dwindle and lose weight but never spoke up. They weren’t allowed to dare mention the word bottle or formula.
By this time, I started to become increasingly disgusted with Tanira because of her unyielding attitude. I sensed that she knew something was gravely ill but didn’t want to face the music and be deemed a “failure” by the standards she touted. She skipped the weigh-ins of her baby, and this is when I became enraged. Another LC was contacted because we could not figure out the problem. Everything the baby did was right, the latch, the suckling, the shape of the mouth, the suck, the mom’s nipples were fine. We were stumped.
Then, a term I’d never heard of before came in the mix. IGT, or Insufficient Glandular Tissue. When I started researching IGT, I kept finding more and more similarities of her situation. The failure to notice breast changes during and after pregnancy, the very slight to almost non-existent engorgement the day your milk comes in, and also, tubular breasts. She matched the description perfectly. With IGT, a condition affecting a small amount of women, the mother doesn’t develop enough of the mammary tissue during puberty, nor during pregnancy , that sustain complete lactation. So while she does produce some milk, the amount never suffices for a complete feeding.
It was as if we had an epiphany, we finally found out what was happening and now we could help her and get this baby growing! Not once, had anyone around her criticize or demean her if she decided to opt for formula as a supplement or even full time. Quite the contrary, we were all scared out of our wits, never having dealt with such a situation and we wanted nothing more than to shove a bottle of good ole cow’s milk down that baby’s pallet just to get something in that baby.
When her condition was suspected, she was advised by three different breastfeeding experts to pump what she could, and supplement whatever she could not. She was not allowed to breastfeed, she was forbidden to breastfeed because the baby had become so sickly. What did she do? She continued to breastfeed. She refused to pump stating it was too much to handle, despite the fact that her mother was there to help her every step of the way. I became so upset that I immediately notified the LC to take action for fear this baby’s life was in the balance. The LC then called Lola’s doctors to call her in for an appointment immediately.
To our surprise, Tanira went, a bit reluctantly, but she went. When Lola’s doctors laid their eyes on her, their stomachs sank. They informed Tanira that her baby had gained so little weight, that Lola had become anorexic. She grew hair all over her body for warmth because she was so weak she could not stabilize her own temperature. How much weight had Lola gained in 6 weeks? 300 grams. A little bit more than what a breastfed baby should gain per week. We were all stupefied. How could this have gone so far? What would have happened had we not intervened? That baby was near starvation, and for what? For the sake of breastfeeding, for the sake of validating herself as a mother, proving to herself, her self-worth by means of the act of breastfeeding.
I was so turned off by Tanira’s actions over the course of the weeks. Her selfish and egotistical attitude, her disregard for her baby’s failing health. How could you look at your baby grow weaker and weaker and not feel anything? How could even after finding out the cause, still deny it and push the limits f your child’s life? Why could she not have supplemented, with donor milk or formula for that matter? Hell, all of us was chanting her to do so. It was because it was not about her baby drinking human milk. It was not about giving her baby the optimal start in life by means of mother’s milk. Had this been the case, she could have easily obtained breast milk from another mother. No, this was not acceptable to her. Nothing less than her own milk, not even at the cost of her baby’s health.. Now, I don’t know about y’all but, I’m all for breastfeeding, but not to the detriment of the child.
She did eventually supplement with formula, and then the baby grew, finally Lola grew! She gained weight! And this story was quickly swept under the rug like a shameful family secret that no one dare utter.
Fast forward two years later and Tanira gives birth to her second child. Another girl, named Emily. I was so sure that she had woken up and knew from the very beginning how to proceed and still reap the benefits of partial breastfeeding at least. And then, the unthinkable happened. She exclusively breastfed the second one too. What happened, you ask? Did Emily grow and thrive on a copious production? No, Emily dropped 200 grams below birthweight. Emily was still passing meconium after 10 days of life. Emily’s once full cheeks sank into her face. But this time around, it was more serious. We had proof, we had evidence. And this time the CPS was thrown into the mix.
Classic Tanira style, she refused to go weigh the baby stating that meconium after 10 days of life was “normal” and that everything was fine and dandy. Clearly, it was not. She was notified that if she refused to weigh the baby and follow instructions, her baby would be taken into foster care. The result? Sadly, it took her to hear those words for her to go to the appointment, and start the journey of supplementation again. With what result? Emily is now gaining well.
What about Tanira’s husband you ask? He never uttered a word. He never spoke out against her, not just because she rules with an iron fist, but because (and I can personally attest to his disregard) he simply didn’t care about anything around him.
To this day I struggle to wrap my mind about how far one mother could go just to be able to say “I breastfed exclusively!”. This thought sickens me. As if this was some race, some competition. It’s not ladies. Get that through your mind.
The morale of the story? This is exactly the reason why I strive to be understanding and compassionate when a mother decides to formula feed. I don’t want to be the one who makes women feel so insecure, so demeaned that if they gave anything less than human milk to their babies, they are incompetent, unfit, mothers. Because it could cost a baby their life.
So think about it, fellow activists. The next time you feel the urge to judge another formula feeding mother for her (unintentional) choice to formula feed, think of Lola, think of Emily, and stop being such a bitch about it, it makes breastfeeding look bad.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 429 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
Wow. This shocked me to the core. Wow. Just wow. I can't even comprehend…
oh my gosh! What a strong post and a great message. As women we need to support both sides and try hard not to have a Formula vs. Breastmilk fight anymore. What is important is the health and life of the precious little ones we bring into the world. Thank you for posting this post. Amazing!
My jaw was somewhere down around my ankles while reading this post. I don't even have words, at least not ones a Christian mother should say. Yowsa.
I can admit that after having ff'd my sons and now bf'ing my daughter that I've become a bit of a lactivist. But this post reminded me that I can only make choices for my own kids, and I wouldn't want to be the one that brings another mom to that point of stubborness.
What a horrifying story! Thank heaven you were there to report her or I don't even want to think about what could have happened…
Let's hear it for moms who actually feed their babies – no matter how they choose to do it!
Thanks for sharing, and I'm so glad you were there to speak out for the babies' health when their own family wouldn't.
The next time you feel the urge to judge another formula feeding mother for her (unintentional) choice to formula feed, think of Lola, think of Emily, and stop being such a bitch about it, it makes breastfeeding look bad.
A million times THIS.
Gosh, what an awful story. So glad it had a relatively happy ending!
The Australian Breastfeeding Association have enshrined in the code of ethics that 'breastfeeding is for the baby, the baby is not for breastfeeding' which is an important reminder. We don't have babies so we can make a statement by breastfeeding them, and breastfeeding counsellors don't disregard the wellbeing of baby and mother for the 'cause' of breastfeeding.
“I don’t want to be the one who makes women feel so insecure, so demeaned that if they gave anything less than human milk to their babies, they are incompetent, unfit, mothers. Because it could cost a baby their life.”
Absolutely. I loathe the way that some self-identified lactivists think that shaming mothers for formula feeding helps promote breastfeeding. The opposite is often true.
But I think there is also another issue here. The answer to stories like this one isn't only, in my mind, making it 'ok' to formula feed when needed or preferred (although ending the shaming of parents for their choices would be nice!) It's also about how necessary it is that we normalise breastfeeding again, after commercial interests have successfully made it a less common choice in our culture.
Breastfeeding, for some people, is up on such a pedestal and carries such associations of a certain kind of “good” motherhood (and, also, a certain socio-economic and even political status is often connoted). It's become a symbol or statement in some minds. And this is a problem not only because it can lead to shaming for those who 'fail' to breastfeed, but also because it works against the idea that breastfeeding is simply normal. I'd like to see the competitiveness and politicization of our parenting choices disappear in favour of a 'we're in this together' type approach. And that can't happen with infant feeding until we see more normalisation of breastfeeding and more support for it so that people don't feel like special snowflakes for doing it (or unspecial for not!)
This was a very longwinded way of saying: I think the poster is right, we need to stop shaming mothers who are unable to or choose not to breastfeed. There will probably always be a place for infant formula. But I actually think that good, effective and sensitive lactivism is ultimately going to help everyone, not only the breastfeeders.
THANK YOU. I, too, observed this type of situation w/ someone I know–not to the same extreme, but still to the detriment of the child. THANK YOU for saying this out loud. Many need to hear it.
Unbelievable. What kind of a mother starves her child just to stick with a certain feeding method? Motherhood HAS to be about flexibility, changing best laid plans, and listening to others sometimes, or children suffer. Thank you for sharing this.
Unfortunately I don't think this is as uncommon as we would like to believe. During my own bf struggles I called upon a representative from LLL who “boasted” to me that she'd not fed her daughter for 5 days despite medics pleading with her to do so.
For me, that was the final nail in the coffin and it was then that I freely picked up the formula without guilt!
Amongst my own friends I see babies who are not quite as big as they should be – although I'm no paediatrician!.
Thanks for sharing this. I do feel for your friend, though. There are still plenty of people out there who don't really believe in IGT/insufficient milk supply, and think that it's all an artefact of mothers being pressured to introduce formula and get their babies into 'manageable' routines, when constant feeding would really be all they needed to stimulate their supply properly. So it's maybe not surprising that your friend felt she should be ignoring all the 'top up' advice and keeping feeding to stimulate her milk, despite the obvious problems it was causing – I'm sure there are plenty of people who, without actually seeing her baby, would have been applauding her for continuing to resist supplementation.
I myself have some IGT symptoms (though no diagnosis), and had a pretty horrendous experience first time around before 'succumbing' to formula top ups and eventually total formula feeding. I'm about to give birth to my second baby, and stories like this are a good reminder that it shouldn't be a matter of 'breastfeed at all costs'.
Mary x
I can't even imagine how any parents could stand by and watch their child slowly starve to death and do nothing. I think it's good the CPS was called in at some point, because that is nothing less than abuse/neglect.
Thank you for writing this post, and I hope you circulate it among your BFing advocate friends, so they can share your attitude. As you say, it's a choice for each woman to make, and in some cases, like this one, it's not even a choice. Supporting breastfeeding is great, taking to the extreme where it's harming babies (or mothers) is not.
As awful as this story is, it's a good reminder that we women can sometimes get so wrapped up in something that we can't see how it's dysfunctional. I personally tend to be the most stubborn about things pertaining to being a parent, and I'm forever grateful to my husband for showing me a different perspective.
Glad to know there was a happy ending with Tanira and her children.
My son gained less than a pound in the first six weeks of life and was obviously not getting enough milk, but I heard SO little about the actual issues that can arise that I (a very well-educated and informed woman) didn't realize I was starving my son. I turned to breastfeeding sites that told me that pretty much every woman can breastfeed and not to worry. Even the pediatrician's office was so pro-breastfeeding that they didn't seem worried about his lack of weight gain and chalked it up to reflux. So while it does sound like your friend was pig-headed, there are plenty of “booby traps” in the way of getting adequate help and information about low supply.
The fact that it has become “acceptable” to starve a child (even boarderline) as opposed to use formula is completely insane!
“So think about it, fellow activists. The next time you feel the urge to judge another formula feeding mother for her (unintentional) choice to formula feed, think of Lola, think of Emily, and stop being such a bitch about it, it makes breastfeeding look bad.”
Actually, the inclusion of the word “unintentional” in quotes here leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.
She's still judging, and it's still based upon how hard one tries to breastfeed. I threw in the towel on day 4. Day 4. My milk had come in, my baby was sucking like a mad man. Only, my boobs were as big as my head and my nipples are inverted, making his latch, which had been deamed perfectly fine in the hospital, impossibly painful for me. If I had stuck it out through engorgement, we probably would have been fine. I kept trying to rededicate myself, feel cheerful (in spite of bleeding nipples), remember why it was that breasfeeding was so important to me. I still said “enough”. I CHOSE, ON PURPOSE to feed my baby boy formula and take my body back.
After 4 years of infertility treatments, 3 miscarriages, 20 weeks of hypermesis, gestational diabetes, and blood pressure that began to rise the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was just done. Exhausted. Through. All I wanted was for the struggle to end and to be able to enjoy my baby (who I worked really hard for) instead of loathing every time he made that little sucking face. (Which I now find completely endearing as I get the fantastic bottle of formula ready to go.)
I have to work hard to let go of the guilt I feel for not perservering with breastfeeding, but I was coming untethered. I didn't want my baby to have a mommy who wanted to pass him off to daddy so that she didn't have to face his tiny, hungry face. I did what was best for me, and I shouldn't feel guilty at all.
If peopel want to ju8dge me because I could have breastfeed and didn't, more power to them. I'm just trying to keep on being happy with my sweet baby.
I can't believe I'm only just now finding your blog (via a facebook post). Thank you for doing this work!
I find myself wondering why Lola and Emily were not removed from Tanila's care and placed in foster care. I'm so glad they are ok, but I was seriously afraid to scroll down and finish reading in its entirety. Unbelievable.
I had an insufficient supply as well. I have had lactivists flat out tell me I'm LYING about it, that there is no such thing as insufficient supply. Until my son was 1, I pumped what I could and supplemented formula for the rest. But instead of being happy that I found a solution that worked for us, some (thankfully not all) lactivists just wanted to tell me what I was doing wrong.
This made me cry. I breastfeed my baby and thankfully never had problems with latching and pain. I encourage women to breastfeed, too. But I also supplement with formula. Even with the best breast pump, I can't express more than 8 oz. Now I'm a working mom so I obviously can't leave just one bottle of breastmilk! So I use formula. It's not a big deal! Why are there women like this???
This happens because militant lactivism has jack to do with milk.
That mother was trying to create an identity via her child's nutrition and when it came to a conflict, the child was less of a priority. That skewed set of priorities did NOT occur in a vacuum and points to why the hectoring and the self satisfied tone of militant lactivism is long overdue a massive backlash.
When breastfeeding is more important than babies you know that something has gone SERIOUSLY awry with the mindset of those who claim to want the best start for tiny people.
I'm a former breast feeder, I did for a year and it was fabby for me and my son. But I tend to actively avoid mentioning it to other mothers, because I so do not want to be associated with the current face of breastfeeding.
I don't want mentioning my feeding choices to make some already shell shocked, postpartum mummy flinch in anticipation of an onslaught. Reading the above I doubt anybody could claim that the reputation for us being extremists is entirely undeserved, or without foundation.
Wow just wow. I am in tears. I am new to reading your blog and a formula feeder.
Did Tanira have PPP or PPD? I hate to admit it, but I went through something similar with my baby because I had such severe PPD that I felt as though my whole identity as a mother was wrapped up in whether or not he breastfed and that I was a failure if I couldn't get him exclusively breastfeeding. (I didn't skip weight checks, though. That's just crazy.)
Thank you for this post. I can't stand the way lactivists treat me for not letting my son starve to death. And the worst thing is that they tend to think they aren't judgmental if they only bash formula-feeders in general instead of specifically attacking the supplementers they know in real life.
Jenn,
“All I wanted was for the struggle to end and to be able to enjoy my baby (who I worked really hard for) instead of loathing every time he made that little sucking face. “
Thank you for saying this. Seriously, thank you. I just had my baby. I had every intention of boob feeding. On the second day, I gave up. I just gave up. I had a harder labor then anticipated. Her latch was immature. Her blood sugar dropped, I had gone through a really crappy pregnancy, gallstones, gestational diabetes, asthma, etc. I was tired, I was sore, I was stitched up with a level 2 tear. I just wanted to hold this little baby and tell her that I loved her. I wanted her little body to eat and feel loved and not give me this frustrated, beet red, screaming face because she couldn't get the food out of my breast. We were both frustrated beyond belief.
That was two weeks ago. I still feel guilt. I'm fighting it every day. But I know I made the right choice to just stop and enjoy my little girl.
This has been an eye-opener for me too. As someone who is pumping continuously due to my baby's poor latch I wonder how much time I am missing out interacting with my baby rather than worrying when and if I will pump enough today? Maybe I am a little too obsessed with the idea of an exclusively breastmillk fed baby. I feel guilt for each bottle of formula I use to supplement and yet I cannot work out why? I started out so determined to have a perfect breastfeeding relationship and it has been issue after issue from the beginning. However, I still can't seem to let go of that ideal and feel I have failed on some level. I know in my head it is irrational but in my heart I so wanted to 'do the right thing'. Being my first baby I keep telling myself that nothing is more important than giving her 'what's best'. After reading this I think I need to reassess what is best for her, and for me, and give up the guilt trip. Wow, I never knew it would be such a struggle!
Anonymous, I keep telling myself to stop posting, but I just had to respond to you. Being a mother is so much more than “doing the right things.” I quit pumping and tried to nurse again (after latch problems and severely inverted nipples made milk transfer not happen at first) because I realized that I was putting pumping ahead of everything else. The day I knew it was over, I was trying to pump, and my son was in his crib. I was sitting in the rocking chair in his room. He had just eaten, had a clean diaper. I gave him his pacifier and turned on his mobile. And I sat down to pump. Just as I let down, he started fussing. I detached myself, got up, and gave him back his pacifier and comforted him for a minute. I sat back down, hooked back up, the mobile stopped, and he fussed again. This happened 3 or 4 times, and I couldn't stay attached to the pump for more than a minute or two at a time. I finally said to him, “Buddy, why can't you just chill out in your crib for 15-20 minutes so mommy can pump? I'm doing this for you, you know. If I don't do this, what are you going to eat when you get hungry in a couple hours?”
Then I sat back down in the chair and felt kind of crappy because he didn't care what was in the bottle (as long as it was available ASAP when he wanted it). About a minute later, he started fussing again, and I detached again and just gave up on the pumping session. I went and picked him up and cuddled him. He promptly fell asleep in my arms and slept there for an hour and a half, and I cried and cried and cried because all he had wanted was to cuddle.
We tried nursing again, but although he could get milk out, his latch was still really shallow, my nipples were still really flat, and it was excruciatingly painful. Physically, I couldn't handle nursing, and emotionally I couldn't handle pumping. A week later I was done for good.
I struggled with it for weeks and weeks. Now that it's been twice as long that he's been exclusively formula fed as he was combo-fed (yeah, I never even produced enough for him, so the longest he ever went without formula was like 2 days) I can say that I am a MUCH better mom than I was when I was breastfeeding.
When they're first born, and they're so tiny and so perfect, it's hard to think “I'm about to do something that isn't 'best' for my child” and not feel really guilty for it. But what you have to do is figure out what is best for YOUR CHILD. My son is an otherwise healthy 5 month old. Formula may not be the best thing for him nutritionally, but he's going to grow and thrive on it just fine. On the other hand, he really needs a lot of cuddles and attention, and he's not going to grow and thrive as well without that. I may not be doing what's 'best' for him, but I'm doing what's best FOR HIM.
I don't believe that there is any “thing” that you can do to be a good mom. Breastfeeding doesn't make you a good mom (I know a woman whose kids were taken away from her for child endangerment, but hey, at least she breastfed). Knowing yourself, knowing your child, knowing your partner, and figuring out what things work best for you is what makes you a good mom.
Jennifer, I was 'Anonymous' from March 16th that you replied to. My husband and I both appreciated yours words and it helped put things in perspective. It's so nice to know that I am not alone in striving to make this work and not finding it so easy. I have had moments like you and as crazy as it seems writing this have had to decide which reigns supreme, the pump or the baby? You are so right that it there is so much more to being a good mom and it doesn't rest here and now on how breast milk I can provide.
I had been reading posts on other forums where Moms celebrated their milestones achieved 'without a drop of formula' and had subscribed to the notion that formula was almost something evil! I had been viewing breastfeeding as a 'success' or 'failure' and if I am entirely honest I think maybe I was pushing more for my own personal accomplishment.
Watching my baby girl close her sleepy eyes in satisfaction as she nears the end of a bottle, whether it be breast milk or formula, reminds me that this is all about her and that she is simply well nourished and her hunger is satisfied.
Being a first time mom has been the hardest (and the best) thing I have ever done and the range of emotions I have felt in the last 4 months has been unending. Knowing others have 'been there, felt that' is a relief. Your words of support meant the world to me. Thanks!
What a scary story. It always makes me angry when some lactivists say that insufficient milk supply doesn't exist. We have to remember that the priority here is our child's health, and if formula feeding is what it takes to keep your child healthy, than that's what it takes. The child is so much more important than how we want to define ourselves as mothers.