Welcome to Fearless Formula Feeder Fridays, a weekly guest post feature that strives to build a supportive community of parents united through our common experiences, open minds, and frustration with the breast-vs-bottle bullying and bullcrap.
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It’s hard for me to read FFF Lisa’s story without wanting to hurl my computer out the window. That’s how angry it makes me. I feel an uncontrollable urge to go punch the people who made her postpartum experience – already a difficult one – so terrible. I hope you guys will join me in letting her know how amazing she is and that she made the right decision for herself and her family.
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Throughout my pregnancy, I had every intention of breastfeeding my child. I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I felt like I was doing what I could to prepare myself for challenges. The challenge that I never saw coming was a premature baby.
I had an extremely uneventful pregnancy up until the end of my 31st week, when I started leaking fluid. I spent two days in the hospital being pumped full of drugs and delivered my daughter, Olivia, at 32 weeks 1 day. She weighed 3lbs. 9oz.
Minutes after Olivia was born, she was whisked off to the NICU and I was told that if I wanted to breastfeed her, I needed to start pumping ASAP. The plan was to get me a pump as soon as I got to my room and my Labor & Delivery nurse had given me a pep talk about pumping and dedication. She also made the comment that my success breastfeeding would be entirely up to me and my level of dedication.
This would not be the last time I would hear this comment.
I didn’t immediately get a breast pump, it took awhile for them to find me one, but eventually they put one in my room and a nurse gave me the basics on how to use it. I didn’t get a whole lot of instruction on what to expect. I knew that things would be slow going at first, but after a week or so I had some milk to bring to the NICU on our daily trips. It was 30ml or so per session, but seemed to be gradually increasing, so I thought things were going OK. Just OK.
That was, until I met the lactation consultant. One morning as I have my hands in the incubator, about to take my daughter’s temperature, the NICU lactation consultant pops up and starts firing questions at me about my milk production. Apparently my 30ml per pumping was bad. I “should” have been producing more than that. She wanted me to keep a pumping log, noting the times I pumped and the output.
I hated that log with a passion. For one, I felt like I had been assigned this homework because she didn’t believe I was really pumping every two hours. Also, I swear, my production dropped when I started keeping that thing.
When I brought the log back the next day, she quickly looks at it and immediately says I need help and have I ever taken Reglan before? I hadn’t and I had reservations about taking it because I’d heard it should not be used by people with a past history of depression. I had a past history of depression, I was ten days postpartum, and I had a child in intensive care. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, but I trusted her when she told me it was just for fourteen days and that people that suffer the side effect of depression are on it for extended periods.
In my experience, the length of time makes no difference. By day seven I was miserable. Really, horribly miserable. One day I went to fix a bagel and realized the bag wasn’t sealed well and moisture had gotten in and made the top couple of bagels soggy and ruined. I broke down in my kitchen. Sat down in my kitchen floor and cried like the world was coming to an end. I was in a funk that was quickly sliding towards a serious depression and I wasn’t seeing any increase in production.
I threw away the Reglan. I did feel better the very next day, but I was diagnosed with PPD at my four week postpartum checkup. I guess it is possible that I was on the edge of PPD the whole time and that is why Reglan affected me so much. I feel that is something LCs should keep in mind and they should not be casually brushing off the potential for depression while taking Reglan, even if it is for a short time period.
I decided to try Mother’s Milk tea instead, and it did seem to help a bit, I was up to a couple of ounces at most sessions. Until I woke up one morning with my left boob — my good boob – all sore and engorged feeling and I could not get much milk from it. Hot showers, compresses, massage, nothing seemed to help. The pain eventually went away on its own, but the milk production never came back. I was down to about 5ml from that side, bringing my pumping total back down to about 30ml a session again.
The following day we went to the NICU for our morning visit and were told our baby girl is being discharged! The nurse asks if she had been to the breast yet, and when I told her no, she said it was happening today. It was a fairly stressful experience. First she notes that I’m only getting about 30ml a pumping (based on the bottles I had brought in that day) and tells me that she’s taking twice that per feeding. Then she asks the usual questions about how much water I’m drinking and how much rest I’m getting, we tell her that I tried Reglan with no success, and she brushes that aside and insists I should have better supply saying “at this point, I think it has to be because of something you’re doing.”
She looked me in the eye and told me it was my fault. That moment is burned in my memory; I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, as long as I live.
Then we try to nurse. My teeny tiny baby girl, who should have been cooking in the womb for 5 more weeks, squirmed and screamed and the nurse kept cramming her onto my breast in a way that was covering up her tiny nose. It was not a good experience at all.
Then as we’re packing up, she gives me that line again: “Your success at breastfeeding is up to you.”
I hate that line, I really do. I hate using the word success. The opposite of success? Failure, of course. So they might as well say, “If you fail at this, it is entirely your own fault. You could do it if you tried hard enough.” I think it’s ridiculous. I really wish they would say something like “your breastfeeding experience is your own.” It is what you make of it. You exclusively breastfeed? Great. You pump full time? Great. You supplement? Great. The experience is entirely yours, do with it what you will, and know that people will be here to support YOUR experience.
I replayed that line in my head so many times on my daughter’s first day home. I would feed her and then put her down and go pump, look at my measly output, and think about how successful I should be, if I just tried harder. We were running out of pumped milk. I stripped her down to her diaper and held her against my chest and the whole time tears just silently ran my down my face. It was the first time I had really gotten to snuggle my baby, gotten skin-to-skin contact with the child I birthed three weeks earlier, and all I could think about was milliliters in those collection bottles.
I decided I was really going to give this my all. I bought More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue, I ate oatmeal and drank gallons of water, I rented a hospital pump, and I tried multiple different flanges. I tried nursing at every feeding, but Olivia wasn’t very consistent. Sometimes she would latch and nurse for ten minutes or so, other times she would just thrash and scream. I was pumping every two hours, nursing and bottle feeding every four hours, and constantly washing bottles and pump parts. It was very hard work, and I was still lucky to get 30ml during a pumping session, but she was mostly breastfed. She was only taking one or two bottles of formula a day.
Then we went to the pediatrician for a weight check, where I proudly told the nurse she was mostly breastfed. However, when we weighed Olivia, she had only gained 7 ounces in the ten days she had been out of the hospital. Our ped is amazing and talked to me about my milk production and mentioned taking fenugreek. When I told him what I was doing, he seemed impressed and said I was doing all the right things. Essentially he was the first person to acknowledge how hard I was trying, but he still requested that we supplement more to get her weight up because she wasn’t gaining like she should be. I began to question breastfeeding because it was such a time consuming production, it was taking time away from her, and she wasn’t gaining like she should be.
I spent days agonizing over it, reading countless things online saying any amount of breastmilk is priceless, a precious gift. I finally came to the conclusion that while breastmilk is precious and beneficial, so is time with mommy and the pumping routine was consuming all of my time and energy. I decided I would go with all formula.
I’m still dealing with guilt over the decision. I left the pump parts in the sink drainer for at least a week and I kept my rented pump, all set up and ready to go, for even longer than that. Multiple times I thought about trying again. I thought I had a refill on the Reglan and considered filling it, thinking I would be fine since I was on an anti-depressant now. I considered buying domperidone off the internet. My husband had to take my pump back because I didn’t want to face the LC and her questions.
I still feel a twinge of guilt, like I’m a bad mother, every time I hear someone mention breastfeeding, especially if they remark how “easy” it is. However, Olivia is gaining weight and thriving on a formula for preemies, she gained over 2lbs. in three weeks. And I will admit, the first time that I got to snuggle and rock her to sleep after her early morning feeding, rather than putting her down to pump, I felt more like her mother than I ever did giving her a bottle of my milk.
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Interested in being a contributor to FFF Friday? Email me your story – formulafeeders@gmail.com.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
No one should have ever treated you like that — I'm glad your pediatrician acknowledges that all the hard work you were putting it was, in fact, hard, and was absolutely everything you could have been doing. I'm glad that you've found a routine that helps you and your daughter thrive, despite her prematurity and your depression. That depression is killer.
You're a great mother; the lengths you went to in order to do what you felt was best makes that more than clear. <3
I wonder about lactation consultants sometimes; yours should have been listening to you about depression. (Mine was brusque, and basically told me that it was my fault if I had problems because I wasn't staying an extra night in the hospital.)
Stories like this make me feel stronger and better about my decision to give my baby formula.
I am so glad there is a safe place for women to share their stories.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I remember pumping with my (full term) newborn. It was so stressful to have this hungry baby and have to put her down to go get hooked up to the horns before being able to feed her. Good for you for taking care of yourself so you can give her all your love!
Lisa, good for you! Don't you feel a single tinge of guilt (I know, easier said than done). You are doing the best you can for Olivia, and THAT'S what's important. The mL didn't matter, and you did everything right — everything. Don't for one second think your BF success is “dependent on you.” You are providing your daughter with the best nutrition you can, and that is a wonderful thing. Congratulations to you, and best of luck. I wish nothing but the best for you and your little lady.
Thank for you sharing. This post made me cry. I could have written so much of it (minus the horrible nurse/LC though!). The whole NICU/preemie experience is hard enough without supply issues. You made a brave decision – it is HARD to make that decision when battling PPD and preemie issues! But you're doing what is best for Olivia, and she's gaining!
Congrats and best wishes for the future.
You did wonderful.
You did what was best for YOUR FAMILY, as a whole.
You are a strong and amazing woman.
Thank you all for all the kind words. I love coming here and hearing from people with similar experiences. I wish we didn't have the experiences to share, but since we do, I'm glad we have this place to support one another. I'll probably be checking here daily because your comments all make me smile.
Olivia is doing GREAT. She's at the 50th percentile for her actual age and is a happy, easygoing baby. She's also a great sleeper, which I do *not* attribute to being formula fed because she still eats every two hours during the day.
When I returned to work, I learned several of my co-workers had early babies too. 10% of our department actually, and none of us were able to breastfeed exclusively, or continue a pumping/supplementing routine for very long. I really believe that breastfeeding issues are common when babies are born early, especially 6 or more weeks early. I'm not sure why the medical community acts like we “should” be producing more. Let's face it, something happened and mom's body was unable to carry that baby any longer, why would we assume everything is A-OK for her to produce milk? I sometimes wonder if it's by design – maybe the ability to make milk increases as the chances of survival outside of the womb (without medical intervention) increase. Advocates say breastfeeding is what our boobs were made for, but what if baby comes early and would die were not for incredible medical advances – are our boobs really made to sustain life in that situation? It makes sense to me that nature would say that producing a big milk supply would be pointless, because nature doesn't know there is an incubator and a NICU team recreating a womb-like environment so that baby can survive and grow.
Anyway, sorry for the long comment, and thank you all for the kind words!
Sorry on behalf of those of us breastfeeders who say it is “easy.” I think that what we mean to say is that most of us were lucky enough to have never had to face any challenges or barriers, so we never had to try hard, not that it is supposed to be simple. I am fascinated by your biological hypothesis for preemie milk production. It sounds totally plausible.
Well, I think you made the right choice–what was best for you and your family.
I stopped BFing (well, exclusively pumping) for similar reasons: supply was inadequate and pumping was taking time away from my babies, and from my sleep. I never regretted that decision, because pumping sucked, and none of us were benefiting from it.
And for the record, I also had preemies (twins) though not as early as yours. Not sure if supply issues were linked to prematurity or multiples or both or neither, but like you said it's a common enough experience.
Congrats on your healthy daughter!
Congratulations on your new baby! I know exactly how you feel about feeding (bf & pumping) being the opposite of bonding! I'm so glad you made your decision early to switch to formula so you could enjoy your baby more. I know it's hard to let go of the guilt, but we are all here cheering you on. You rock Mama!
Lisa I love the point you make in the comment above. I have often wondered the same thing!
I don't think milk supply has to do with baby maturity. I had two full-term babies, very healthy and delivered naturally, and my boobs just don't make much milk. Even with Dom and six months of 9-11 times/day nursing (and supplementing) and more than the recommended amount of fenugreek, I can only make between 1.5-2 oz. every three hours. Sometimes boobs just aren't cut out for breastfeeding. Whatever the reasons (I have IGT), not making sufficient milk for exclusive breastfeeding is not the mother's fault. The people who told you it was your fault were wrong and cruel and reckless and even ignorant. I have been blessed with excellent LC's who never blamed me for low milk supply, but I am familiar with the jerks who like to blame. The “did you try pumping?” question is one of the most infuriating.
I hope you know that you did your best, and that bonding has way more to do with skin to skin contact with baby than milking oneself. Good on you for putting aside the wrong-headed remarks and doing what is best for your daughter and your family!
Lisa, one reason you should NOT feel guilty about giving up Reglan is that a number of studies have found it's basically no better than a sugar pill. That is, its “effect” is basically a placebo effect. At least four different studies in four different countries – Iran, India, the UK and the United States – have found that women on Reglan did no better than women given a placebo at producing milk. I think it's a bit disturbing that Reglan's still on the market, not only because of its side effects but because basically it's a waste of money and time. Now I'm preparing for the Reglan manufacturers to burn me at stake…
You've done wonderfully. I gave birth at full term and could never pump more than a teaspoon – total – from both breasts. Some women just don't produce enough and even if trying harder would have increased my production, I'm not sure it would have been worth the effort to me. I admire other women who do it and think its worth it, but I already have issues with my breasts – having them not work when trying to breastfeed (especially since my baby had a perfect latch to begin with) was just insult to injury.
You did a great job. So happy to hear that little Olivia is thriving and letting you sleep since she's so demanding during the day
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@Summer – I think there are way more women that have milk supply issues after a full term pregnancy than we are led to believe. That 2% number that gets tossed around drives me crazy, because I think it's much higher than that. I'm not saying that full term mothers never have problems, just that I wonder if the chances of breastfeeding an early baby are slim because we just aren't designed to feed at that point.
And can I just say YOU ROCK for managing that for 6 months?
@Anonymous – Interesting! I wonder what is the story with Dom being unavailable in the US since it, supposedly, doesn't have the side effects of Reglan. I got the impression that the depression side effect wasn't exactly uncommon, and I imagine that's really tough on people taking Reglan for gastric issues over an extended period of time.
I'm sorry that I haven't replied to everyone individually. I've read everything and can't say thank you enough.
Hi. This is Anonymous again. Actually, one of the studies I cited about Reglan being basically as useless as two mammary glands on a male bovine (pun intended) was one done on premature babies – this was the American study. I live in Canada, and I'm not sure Reglan is available here. Sometimes it seems pediatricians almost push Reglan on their patients, but I think it's less to do with financial gain (I wouldn't think doctors would get paid for prescribing a medication) but more out of ignorance: Reglan's sometimes seen as a “magic bullet” for breastfeeding problems.
Oh, not good news about Reglan. See this:
http://www.reglansideeffectslawsuit.com/
Lisa, you are a wonderful mother and you made the best choices you could. I pumped exclusively for far too long, and it did get in the way of bonding with my son. I too remember how much of a relief it was when I could finally just snuggle him and spend time with him instead of the pump. Truly being is worth more than anything.
Every time I read your story, I want to come down there and strangle that lactation consultant. You are an awesome, brave mother who was experiencing something so scary, and no one ever should have talked to you like that. What is with some of these lactation consultants that they forget they are talking to human beings???
Adding the formula, while is stressed me out at first, has been a relief. I'm still pumping, but if I don't get enough, I don't get enough.
I really wonder what they teach lactation consultants. I just see so many stories where the LC isn't really equipped to deal with problems beyond cracked nipples. My so-called lactation consultant midwives were much the same, blaming me (for sleeping instead of pumping when my baby was already attached to me 18 hours a day, or not feeling ok with pumping while my baby cried-which she did every time I put her down). Of course I've met some great ones who were very supportive, but there's just some serious lack of consistency.
You are doing a great job, so huge hugs.
Every time I think about your story, and the way that some of the “professionals” treated you, I get angry. You went to amazing lengths to try and breastfeed Olivia, and honestly, anyone who thinks otherwise deserves a giant smack.
I firmly believe that you are exactly the mommy Olivia needs–however she gets fed. She's doing amazing, and you're able to take care of yourself so that you can be there for her. That's so much more important than HOW she eats.
My story is similar to yours in some ways. While my baby wasn't a preemie, she was small, and lost a lot of weight in the hospital. I had a lot of pushy, bad advice from nurses and lactation consultants. I pumped for quite awhile, but hated how time consuming it was, and how my daughter screamed while I pumped every few hours. I finally decided to formula feed her. It was the best decision for us. I, too, feel guilty sometimes. Feel encouraged that you aren't alone! Our babies are beautiful and strong!
Your post made me cry because people just don't understand how difficult this all is and that it's really not “easy” for everyone… No matter how hard you try I'm going through a difficult time myself, similar in that I'm losing time with my baby in order to pump. My goal has always been to give my precious daughter a full year of breast milk. She latched on well initially, but got lazy with her latch as time went on. I tried to improve her latch but she would get so frustrated and upset that I decided I would bear the nipple pain and just let her enjoy getting her milk. It continued as such for a while with her thriving in the 90th percentile. I was thrilled. I was also pumping and storing so that I'd have backup milk for her in case something came up and I needed to take medicine. Well, that day came because I was having dizzy spells. I had to get an MRI with contrast that would be unsafe for a nursing infant. I was relieved to have my backup milk in my freezer. I defrosted some of that “liquid gold” only to find that it smelled AWFUL! It turns out that I produce excess lipase which causes the taste of my milk to go bad quickly. My baby wouldnt take a sip of the yucky milk so she had to go on 48hrs of formula. I had 100 ounces of frozen breastmilk when I contacted a milk bank to see if they could use the milk. They could so I continued to pump daily and eventually had made enough to donate 250 ounces to premature babies who needed the milk (which was still just as healthy but tasted kind of metallic). Around 3 months, my baby's latch and her disinterest in nursing started to concern me as I could tell that she wasn't drink as much as she once was. Her weight fell into the 75th percentile and the pediatrician said not to worry about is as it was only the difference of a couple ounces that dropped her out of her previous 90th percetile. I worried though and cried as she fought breastfeeding. She would arch her little back away from my breast, screaming and kicking. I decided that, as saddening as it was for me to no longer feel her warm little body nursing on my chest, her happiness was more important. That was when I started exclusively pumping, which is MUCH more painful, by the way, as I have very small nipples and no pump or insert actually fits me the way it sould. I literally hold my breath and clench my fists every time I turn on the machine, every 3 hours of the day. But I continued this month after month after month. My daughter is now 7 months old. Even though I'd been pumping consistently, my supply has dwindled. I'm now desperately fighting to keep my supply by pumping 9 times a day and setting my alarm to awaken me for pumping in the middle of night, even though my baby sleeps right through until morning. I'm feeling like my pumping to try to get her my healthy breastmilk is taking away from her healthy mommy-baby time. I feel so badly, I don't want to give up before she's a year old but it breaks my heart to say, “Sorry baby, Mommy's pumping.” And I don't have any stored breastmilk to give her. I feel like this is a no win situaton. I'm feeling like a failure…
You are NOT a failure. You've done more than anyone sane would expect of you and then some. The very fact that you were able to donate to premature infants is a hugely positive thing. I EP-d for about 6 weeks and it was hell, so I have nothing but empathy for what you've been doing. Huge hugs, and please know that I support pumping moms just as much as formula feeding ones. You are always welcome here, to vent or share or whatever you need.