On the private message board I frequent (which branched off from the Pregnancy Loss board of an uber-popular baby website), there have been only a few minor scrapples over breastfeeding/formula feeding. For the most part, whenever someone posts about wanting to throw in the nursing cover, she’ll get a bunch of responses basically stating “happy mom, happy baby” – meaning, of course, that she should make the decision that will make her the happiest and calmest in the long run. It seems like a rational thing to say, a relatively simplistic offering of comfort and support. It’s why I love the women on this particular board; despite differences in geographic location, socioeconomic status, religion and race, we all manage to acknowlege and respect that my choice may not be the same as your choice, but that as long as it’s done in the name of love and survival, it’s all for the best.
Unfortunately, as anyone entrenched in the formula vs breastfeeding skirmish can attest, when it comes to parenting, it is rare to see this philosophy upheld. For many parents, if someone else makes a choice in conflict with their own, it can seem like a challenge; a threat, even – “because I choose something different, I am belittling your choice; deeming it not good enough.” Parenting is an emotional rollercoaster, so I can understand why it could turn perfectly rational people into rigid fanatics – fear, lack of sleep, and a complete change of focus and priorities makes for a potent brew of crazy.
When it comes to matters of postpartum depression, though, I lose some of my patience. One of the things I don’t see discussed enough is the role of breastfeeding in PPD. Other than that blasted study, the reporting of which got me so pissed I publicly flogged another blogger (something I still regret, but those were the balmy days of FFF’s youth, and I plead innocence and ignorance. I’m older and wiser now. Although the basest parts of me still stand by what I said… I just probably should have said it in a more respectful manner), I’ve only found a few articles about the complex relationship between postnatal depression and feeding our children.
For some women suffering from PPD, breastfeeding is the thing that holds them together; the glue that allows them to forge bonds with their infants, to feel needed, to sustain life despite feeling like death inside. But for others, like me, breastfeeding is intricately wound with our feelings of inadequacy, fear and loss. Add breastfeeding difficulties into the mix, and it can be a recipe for disaster. Switching to formula was the first step to my recovery. I wish that hadn’t been the case, but it was what it was. Depression is a jerkface.
I’ve also talked to women who may not have had clinical PPD, but for whom breastfeeding caused a lot of pain and misery. Again, this isn’t the case for most women, although an informal poll of my friends did suggest that the first 3 months of motherhood were severely tainted by endless visits to breastfeeding support groups and lactation consultants, cases of mastitis, and so forth. But the beautiful thing is, after those first few months, they got the hang of the whole nursing thing. I remember one friend confiding in me that she hated breastfeeding and would stop if it weren’t so easy for her…and a few months later, she was the most vocal breastfeeding advocate in our group, announcing that she “loved it”, and I’m happy to say she’s still nursing past her daughter’s 15-month birthday. That was a cool thing to witness, and I do believe that for plenty of women, things do get easier, and breastfeeding can become a highly enjoyable and rewarding experience.
And then, for some, that just isn’t in the cards.
Maybe if my son hadn’t been intolerant of breastmilk, and was able to latch, and I didn’t have nerve damage that made breastfeeding hellishly painful, and if I hadn’t got PPD… well., that’s a lot of maybes. I’d like to think nursing would have been the incredible experience it was for so many others I know, but ultimately, it just wasn’t. Formula feeding, however, has been good to me. It allowed me to regain my sanity, to become healthy again; it also offered my child a life without constant stomach pain, a way to thrive, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
So, I was kind of excited to see someone else talking about the potential emotional toll breastfeeding can take on mothers, in this entry on BlogHer. Granted, I was reading this with my very biased eyes – it seemed like a personal take on the issue, more than a factual article, so I read it with my own emotional lens intact, rather than assessing it for accuracy. It was later brought to my attention that the writer, Molly Baker, may have (inadvertently, I believe, but I like to see the good in people) insulted breastfeeding moms who do enjoy nursing by implying with her inflammatory title that breastfeeding can “cause divorce”. She also made a pretty insensitive comment about how her nursing her child past the age of 10 months was “embarrassing”. I don’t condone either of these things – not in the least. But again, I was reading this as a blog post, not an article; the writer was an accomplished journalist, and I’m sure she chose her venue for a reason, and wanted a place to voice some rather controversial and emotional thoughts. Her remarks suggest, to me, that she simply hasn’t been around enough strong, proud, vocal breastfeeding women; perhaps within her peer group, nursing for 10 months is embarrassing. That would be sad, but if that’s her reality, that’s all she knows. It’s easy to forget that not everyone lives in the mommy blogosphere and knows the intricate rules therein; I’m not excusing her, but I think she could plead ignorance here, rather than outright animosity towards breastfeeding.
I do think Ms. Baker makes some valid points, like the following, save one particular sentence (see if you can guess which one):
Okay, so, to be fair, she goes on to support that rather bizarre comment about divorce by citing a German study about happiness and divorce rates. Her thesis is basically that if a woman is unhappy breastfeeding, then that could ultimately lead to strife and resentment in her marriage, yadda yadda yadda. It’s a stretch, to be sure.
However, I can’t completely dismiss her point above regarding a woman’s mental health. It makes sense, to me. Because I’ve been there. In the comments section, where Ms. Baker is predictably ripped to shreds (this is unfortunately pretty standard for anyone who says anything that could be slightly construed as negative about breastfeeding, whether it’s an opinion piece or not), one commenter claims that she had PPD, and breastfeeding is what saved her. I was glad that this person shared her experience, because I wouldn’t want women to fear that if they breastfeed, they’ll be at higher risk for PPD, just as much as I wouldn’t want her to think the reverse (ahem).
If we are going to consider the mother’s health and happiness in the breastfeeding debate – and I strongly believe we should – we need to respect that all women are going to feel differently about nursing. It’s going to be lovely and magical for some; just something you “do”, neither bad nor good, for others; and emotionally draining for an unlucky few. That’s not to say that breastfeeding advocates need to stop fighting for the normalization of breastfeeding, because that will help everyone, in the long run – but I hope we can start to accept that happy mom, happy baby is a truism worth fighting for, as well.
About the Author:
Suzanne Barston is a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Fearless Formula Feeder is a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. It exists to protect women from misleading or misrepresented “facts”; essentialist ideals about what mothers should think, feel, or do; government and health authorities who form policy statements based on ambivalent research; and the insidious beast known as Internetus Trolliamus, Mommy Blog Varietal.
Suzanne Barston – who has written 428 posts on Fearless Formula Feeder.
I thought Molly's post was interesting. My biggest problem is the vitriolic way people are accosted if they dare say that breastfeeding didn't work for them, wasn't easy, or could potentially damage anything in their lives. Hannah Rosin is now a household name for saying something that a lot of people feel (I think): pumping sucks. But the most outspoken advocates of breastfeeding came out in droves to publicly flog her. It's like Fox News (I know the lactivists will like being compared to that “news” outlet). They are so vocal in one direction, and there is no one who is equally outspoken on the other side (not even the dreaded formula industry). Even if you respond with a leveled response, you are a small minority in the comments, and I fear your voice gets lost. This has really been bothering me lately, and I'm not sure how to have a reasoned debate outside of a site like this… and even then, it seems that many are uncomfortable with having this be a forum for discussion on these issues.
Great post! I think in my own way I associated Bfing as something in my life that could be potentially stressful, and I am worried about PPD given my history of depression and PTSD. I don't think I would be doing justice to my child by taking the chance at BFing and going into an emotional tailspin the first days/weeks/months of its life. I would rather start with something that I know and am familiar with, something I have the most control over, and that is FFing.
Like you, I have incredible respect for women who BF. I just don't see myself as one of them, and maybe its because of my worries and insecurities at the possibility of PPD (because I am definitely at risk), and if that is the case? So what. Its my reality, and that is how I am going to deal with it.
I totally agree, Happy Mom Happy Baby. There has been so much research that ties depressed or anxious moms to depressed and anxious children because they pick up the cues of the environment and mood of the house.
I hope that my next experience is not what I had the first time. I was one of those that hated it and the longer we went the more I hated it. Grant it, that was only 6 days, but it was 6 days of misery for me. Sure, it may have gotten better in time, but I wanted to enjoy my newborn!
FFF, I'm pretty disappointed in you for endorsing this dreadful piece of rubbish, even with (mild) caveats. It really blows away any pretense you might have had that you are not massively biased in your viewpoint. If someone had written an a corresponding piece from the other side that was even a tenth as obnoxious toward formula, you'd be sounding the call to arms, handing out the pitchforks and torches, etc.
I am grateful in one respect though for Ms. Baker's piece: it brought out an impressive number of extremely intelligent commenters. And I don't just say that because they are “on my side”. There are often pro-breastfeeding comments on blogs and message boards that make me cringe in one way or another (maybe they talk about “what God made”, or they are too cutesy or oversimplify, or they just sputter and don't make any solid rebuttal points). These were excellent, really fantastic–I'm bookmarking the piece in fact to use some of these in the future.
Also, one more point I forgot to make: it seems far more logical to me, from an EvPsych perspective, to expect that formula feeding would trigger an instinct that “my baby died” than to think that it would go the other way. I'm not saying the issue is settled, just that it is logical; but to call it a “blasted study” that you “flogged” someone for…huh?
@Alan,
I don't think a rational person would read the above post and think I “endorsed” Molly Baker's article. In fact, I admitted that I had read it at first with a very biased eye, and didn't support her assertions about breastfeeding leading to divorce; rather, I just explained her thesis in case someone hadn't read the piece. The only part I “endorsed” was that we do need to consider the mother's mental health and happiness in this debate, which was the point of this post; as usual, you culled the first thing you could “challenge” me on rather than responding to the issue at large.
As for the “public flogging”, I apologized for the way I called her out ON HER OWN BLOG; I never insulted her to the degree she insulted me with the post I linked to, especially as I was commenting as a mom with PPD, not as “FFF”. Just for the record.:) And that study I called “blasted”? I stand by that descriptor. It was an awfully designed study and I think spread a very hurtful and unnecessary message to women suffering from PPD.
I think this comment in response to your first comment gets me:
“The point made by many breastfeeding advocates (including the initial report cited by Molly), however, is that not nearly many women would be as ready to say “I'm DONE!” if there was more acceptance and support of breastfeeding among medical professionals, employment legislation, and society in general.”
See, now I don't feel like there's a lack of support for me with breastfeeding – my doctor has a lactation consultant in her office, I don't work and many of my friends breastfeed. So in my area, and my life, it's natural and fine to do it as long as I want. I realize that this is not the situation for many, but it is for me. HOWEVER, and I've said this before (but since I comment as guest it's hard to find me), I don't love it. I don't find it more bonding for me and my child. My dislike of it has nothing to do with society, or embarrassment, and much to do with what that article said. I really tend to resent being the only one able to feed the baby (which is why I pump and use a bottle when I can). My husband works A LOT. There's no way to split the work equally, and frankly, he's not that good at it. That's not to say other guys aren't. Just that mine isn't. Even when I was working as an attorney and working long hours, most of the childcare fell to me. And I have a 2 year old who I would love to be able to take out just us, without worrying about getting back home within 3 hours or pumping. I find it annoying. It's like the idea of keeping the baby in the room with you – both of my kids were out by 5 weeks. I cherish my adult space, and time alone with my husband. For me, that's part of what makes my marriage work, and parents who aren't happy, in my book, are worse parents. I'd rather have a good marriage than a baby sleeping in my room.
My point is simply that the author is right – there definitely exists a segment of women for whom breastfeeding just isn't all that great, for no special reason. I continue to do it mostly because I have succumbed to the guilt that is out there – the notion that breastmilk is best and you're doing wrong by your child by formula feeding (even though I mostly FF my first, since she was a terrible breastfeeder, and the whole experience made me depressed – a story for another time). Also, I have ridiculous supply. My child isn't a bad breastfeeder. But I would be lying if I said I didn't look longingly at the formula when I pass it in the store. In the end, I rationally believe that how you feed your infant really has very little effect on their life generally, no matter what the lactivists claim. But like the author, I still breastfeed, resent it (though not to the point of depression) and would be perfectly happy to switch to formula.
Hmm. I think the major flaw in that article is that it assumes women are doing all of the domestic labor PLUS breastfeeding. I know that, for the month I did breastfeed, my husband picked up all of the household slack. I assume this would have been different had BFing been easier for me, or as time went on and baby-rearing in general got easier. That said, I don't think BFing necessarily creates such an insane imbalance of domestic labor.
The more interesting point she makes has to do with one's commitment to one's child while BFing (“I do resent the expectation that after carrying a baby for nine months, American women should surrender control for six more months.”) Hmm.
I respect her point while at the same time wondering why she sees such a huge difference between BFing and FFing. My life was almost completely devoted to my child even though I formula-fed. Granted, there was no special diet, but the time commitment was roughly the same. So I guess I resent her resentment, which assumes that BFers are so much more devoted to their babies. (Am I right to get that idea from her?)
And as for divorce rates, we all know that having a child is a major challenge to most relationships. It isn't necessarily a bad challenge, but the adjustment you make going from two to three is just that…an adjustment. I'd hazard a guess and say that if breastfeeding “causes” your divorce, you were probably heading that way anyway.
“My life was almost completely devoted to my child even though I formula-fed. Granted, there was no special diet, but the time commitment was roughly the same. So I guess I resent her resentment, which assumes that BFers are so much more devoted to their babies. (Am I right to get that idea from her?)”
I commented above. I agree that no matter what, feeding a baby is a huge time commitment. There's definitely no doubt about that – infants require constant attention, no matter how they're fed and formula feeding really doesn't take any less time. I know it didn't for me. But I guess I didn't pick up the idea that breastfeeders are more devoted to their babies. I simply got the sense that she resented being the only one who really could do that part of the baby rearing, along with all of the other stuff that goes along solely with breastfeeding. For example, the idea that what you WEAR while breastfeeding is dictated by the fact that you're breastfeeding. To me, in that area, formula feeders have a huge advantage – normal bras, normal clothes. I remember with my first I felt so much more myself once I introduced that first bottle of formula – it was the first step in reclaiming myself and my body. Just noticing my body starting to go back to normal was so amazing – I went from a 40D back to a 34C and was smiling again. Whereas now, I'm at a 38D and miserable about it. I absolutely hate the way I look. That's really what I picked up from her.
I wasn't a fan of Molly's post, but I'm not going to argue about that here, since it's not her blog. I do like that you've used her post as a launching pad for this post of your own, because you've written a very nice post here.
I generally agree about “happy baby, happy mom.” I do think that *most* women should try breastfeeding, because it can be a great thing. There are certainly exceptions, though. I'm glad I tried breastfeeding, and sad that it didn't work, because I really wanted to do it. At the same time, moving onto the bottle was a relief, because our issues were insurmountable, much like yours were. I enjoyed bottle-feeding my daughter in a way that wasn't possible with breastfeeding, due to our issues. We still bonded during feedings, and have a beautiful relationship.
I did experience PPD after breastfeeding failed. Although, calling it PPD is somewhat strange, as I've battled depression most of my life, off and on. I do think that my PPD was certainly amplified by the loss of the breastfeeding relationship that I so wanted. So, I don't think it's shocking to find that more women who bottle-feed may also have PPD.
Even though I loved bottle-feeding my daughter, and had major issues with breastfeeding, I find myself wanting to try again if/when we have a second child. I do worry what will happen should I fail a second time. I just know how devastating it was to fail once, I can't imagine it being better a second go-round.
I really appreciate your blog and your thoughts. I just discovered it a few weeks ago as I was beginning to struggle with the end of the breastfeeding relationship with my daughter.
Unlike many of your readers I had no problem BFing initially, and still don't– my daughter latches fine, and after the first week the discomfort was almost gone. However I did always have a slightly low supply, and my daughter often seemed hungry. When she hit 3 months her appetite increased (I thought at first it was a growth spurt, but it never subsided) significantly and my milk simply never increased.
My pediatrician said we had to supplement, so we began to do so, while at the same time I began to try to increase my supply. I did that for about a month– very frequent and long pumping sessions in addition to BFing was what I began with at the rec. of the lactation consultant. It didn't work. The more frequently I pumped the less I got at each session, and it never increased. (I should note as well that my main issue has been that one of my breasts barely produces milk. The other one was enough for my daughter prior to 3 months, but not afterward.)
Then, at the LC's rec., I bought some herbal supplements, which gave me blocked ducts, so that to get milk out I had to use a heating pad and massage my breasts. At this point my husband began telling me that this was simply insane.
So I stopped with the frequent pumping. I was able to produce about half the amount of milk my daughter needed per day.
So why am I telling this long and drawn out story? Because at that time I made the decision to begin to wean her off of breast milk and have her drink more formula. I've felt very anguished about it because it's fundamentally a selfish decision, based on the fact that I simply can't pump every two to three hours only producing half of her supply… it was beginning to make me depressed and frustrated.
So right now, at 4 1/2 months, I pump twice a day, morning and night, and produce about 1/3 of her daily food. It's decreasing on its own, however, so I suspect that by 4 1/2 months it will be even less than that.
And you know, fundamentally, I feel OK with that. I feel like I did my best. And that's what happy mom, happy baby is about.
Sure, there are superior health benefits to exclusively BFing. But honestly, looking at the studies, they aren't so clear that I feel like I am terribly harming my daughter. And regardless, I have no choice as to whether I give her formula, only how much.
“If we are going to consider the mother's health and happiness in the breastfeeding debate – and I strongly believe we should – we need to respect that all women are going to feel differently about nursing.”
YES! Exactly!
I wish in general we talked more about the emotional side of breastfeeding. One of the things I experienced (I was never diagnosed with PPD, but I was certainly struggling and probably experiencing it to some extent) what a dramatic spike in depression right when I stopped nursing/pumping. That dramatic shift in hormones set me totally off. Sure, my kid was getting food and I was less worried about BFing, but it still cause a pretty serious emotional reaction. Not every women experiences this I am sure, but it is yet an other thing that I wish someone had told me about ahead of time.
this is an amazing post! as a mama of three i'm *still* amazed at how threatened we are…by other people's choices for um- themselves?!
i think it comes down to how personal motherhood is. it throws us off our game and leaves us feeling insecure enough to pick on some other mom. *sigh*
i appreciate you just putting it out there: we're all different. so are our babies. and that's JUST FINE! in fact *gasp!* it's the way it's supposed to be!
really well done, and thanks!!
My beautiful son died the day that he was due to be born, 40 weeks gestation exactly. My next son was born
By ceaser at 37 weeks and I breastfed and pumped my heart out for 9 weeks including going on 2 lots of milk inducing drugs… Emotionally I couldn't trust my body to feed my child… My body had failed me once before, medically a reason for my first sons death couldn't be established… My second son fought me at every meal he was so hungry for milk and I was so anxious about SIDs and his possible death that I had no milk. We had no play time, I couldn't enjoy the baby I finally was holding in my arms because I was a slave to breastfeeding…I gave up at 9 weeks when I fell over from
Exhaustion with him in my arms… He was a happy baby on formula, we could enjoy each other and I had the security of knowing that he was being fed and I didn't have to trust my own body to feed him…. I had severe post natal depression …. I am now breastfeeding my third son and it is going well. 3 months in and I am giving top ups once a day but overall he is gaining weight and healthy… Don't blame mums for changing to formula… If breastfeeding is negatively affecting the relationship with your baby then change to formula. Your baby will be fine….be kind to yourself – a happy mummy helps a happy baby… The majority of women want to the best for their baby as organically as possible.. Let's be kind to each other as well as to ourselves.